What I hadn't said. Updates from the last post.

So you contacted me again just 2 days after cutting it off. And I was weak, it dragged on till exams ended. Till 11 May. Just 1 week before my grad trip.

Maybe it was a bit sudden and you didn't expect the confrontation, but I guess it was for the best.

It did hurt like crazy at that time, but now it's finally better. All the bottled up anger and frustration, they will take longer to heal. How you were never interested. How you led me into believing you were. And how you again came back the next day to ask if we were still friends.

How could I have been so blind? How could you have come back to still badmouth me to my friends?

So. We ended it yesterday.
Or you ended it. Whichever, it's not like it matters.

Am I really too much of a workaholic to care about you?
I thought I ensured I was always there, during your maze runs, after your interviews. When you were sick. When you were upset.
On the contrary, you told me no one likes to play second fiddle. When I finished my interviews you were still asleep, when I had a quiz you didn't even ask how it went. And what you say is that all this will change when you graduate. Well, I'm graduating, but you believe I will be a workaholic for life. How come I never asked you back the same thing? Cos I accepted it there and then, that your studies will always be first. And I supported that, asked you to study, asked you to even ask her for help.

From the start, we knew each other's commitments. Are you seriously telling me that after 4 months, now you feel that I didn't put in enough? Just because during an event I ran off when they called me? Just because it's my commitment to a group of people (which also includes you?). Are you seriously telling me that what you liked in the first place about the passion and the drive, is now the reason you refuse to carry on?

I am confused. And upset. I know in your point of view it may be different, you may have felt neglected. And I apologised for that. But now you cut it off and refuse to give me another chance, even though in three weeks I will no longer be a student. But you will still be. Just because you only travel to school and back everyday, and going further is a hassle? Or are you simply not confident in yourself to make a commitment?

The best thing is when I asked for a trial period, you asked why should we try.

I don't know if it hurts you as much as it hurts me. But over the past week I have been thinking and thinking, and everything just doesn't seem to fall into place. Does it matter how I randomly tear up at things that remind me of you, or did you never even care in the first place? Have you ever really thought of trying, or was I convenient just because I was graduating and an easy target to you? Things that I will never get an answer to. Because I have no guts to ask.

Tomorrow, I will see you again. I wonder how I'll feel, and how I'll react.

Maybe we really are too similar. This is the problem.

Just because we never did start formally doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I told you I didn't want to get into this because I didn't want to hurt again since the start. But it happened anyway. What I can only do now is bite the bullet, and hang in there for 3 more weeks. Act like nothing ever happened since we have too many common friends.

Maybe this time it will be faster

I realise it's been two months since I wrote the last post. And I'm not proud at all that I failed to let it all go. 

I thought I had given up in end feb, but it all came back. It's been all turbulence. 

We've gone out for dinner, for lunch, and studied together almost half the week each week. We've watched a midnight movie with us walking back afterwards. But I've also felt neglected and unhappy a lot of the time. I know you don't check your phone often, and that's okay. I know you're rarely the conversation starter, and that's okay too. I don't blame you for wanting to study on weekends or even with someone who hasn't gotten over you. But I really really mind when you say we should have been doing something together, then you do it with my friends instead, even when I moved away to study alone or to have some space. I know it sounds very attention seeking, but it really sucks to know that I came to wait for you in the cold alone and you decide to join other people instead. It's nice that sometimes you think of me and do small gestures, but it's not enough. When I fail my interviews or am exhausted from an event, I don't want to wonder why you're not here for me. When I suddenly have to leave I don't want to know why you didn't even bother to ask. 

Maybe I was wrong all along to give this another shot. Maybe I just didn't matter enough to you. Maybe you were just bored. Maybe I am just too forgetful. 

Then why did you give me a vday present in secret? Why come and find me when I'm studying? Why would you watch a midnight movie with me and walk back together? Why would you see me drifting away and try to pull me back again and again? 

It hurts to know anyone else can replace me. But how can I make it hurt enough to give up? 

Maybe the only thing that can help is time. Graduating soon. 

Another vday. 

I read somewhere that there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

Finally think I'm reaching the last stage. Been in denial for more than 2 weeks, then just making excuses and getting angry over someone who didn't care. Yesterday, hit the limit. Didn't want to scare anyone, but had been crying in secret at night for a few days. Yesterday was the breaking point. Everything just loaded up and I couldn't stop. My club issues, FYP, my jobseeking problems, my health, even normal lessons. And you. It felt so bad, so uncomfortable inside I had to let it out. 

It's not like you cared though. As expected, you didn't even bother to talk to me regarding the visit to the doctor, nor the other problems I had talked about. 

So today I tell myself it's no longer worth the effort. I will continue to work hard for what I should, and I will let your chat drop lower and lower until I have the courage to delete your number. I will go back to my corner to study and meet people, but I will not be affected anymore. 

Maybe I'll still be sad inside for what could have been. But there is no point to allow the walls to be put down anymore. 

I honestly don't know what to feel.

Why is it that you can keep looking at your phone, but selectively talk to people?
How could I have been so stupid to message you everyday for 25 days, agreed to go out, and then to study together when your target was someone else all along?

I thought there was no harm in trying again. Especially since I had said I don't want to feel the hurt from the start. Apparently you don't care.

Why are my choices so skewed every time?

So yep. I told the truth.

Knowing very well that it's not nice to hear.

Now I just to convince myself that I've made the right choices.

Shall go finish my interim report instead of thinking

Fun? Very fun? It's tiring. I need a break.

For nights we've been talking. But each night it starts later than midnight until 2am. I'm tired. I no longer have the energy to stay up late nights and to cope with all my commitments. This week I'm extremely burnt out, but I don't see ur care and concern about anything other than my grades and jobseeking.

I said yes so readily to going out although I had bought onigiri. Maybe we don't need the chances we give ourselves sometimes. 

Tonight I will sleep early. Maybe it's time to take care of myself more than I care about you. Maybe I was right when I told myself we were too different.

Please stop playing because you're lonely. Don't pass on the hurt somebody else inflicted on you.

Wow. For a short period of time I actually thought you were different. Thanks for proving me wrong accidentally today.

Shall learn to trust only people who can be trusted. Got to keep remembering this

So many things to think about. So little time.

I promise myself, for this coming week, I will attempt to cover at least 3/4 of everything.

Put down the useless thoughts for a week and a half more. Let's go

As much rubbish as I talked about throwing the event back to you, I went anyway. Despite having SU rally the next day. Despite nodding off at awkward timings that day. 

Anyway, within the past 3 weeks, I've done so many things I would never have done previously. I've gone through enough discussions and confrontations to make me refuse to get out from the safety of my blanket in the morning. And as much as I want to say I've grown wiser and stronger, I'm afraid not by much. 

Not sure if it's the lack of sleep or just psychological exhaustion, but slept 9 hours for 4 whole days already. Plus all the naps and still nodding off in lecs. WHAT. 

Missing our year 1 days already. Going for every single lesson together, lunch, dinner, games. How did we end up like this? 

Once the best time is over, there's no turning back