It's 1.5 days before the final paper of this sem.
And I can't really concentrate anymore.

Is it normal to want to be so independent, to tell others you like to rely on yourself.
Then deep down, really really want to find someone who just tells you it's ok to ask for help. That it's ok to sometimes not be able to do something yourself. And be so touched when it happens that for a moment you forget you want to be independent anymore.

It's one of those days.

Sort of got reminded of those few short times you helped out just now. I guess it's partly because it's rare to see chivalry in today's society? Especially when we're just slightly more than acquaintances.

Anyway, collected the bags just a day before packing. Went out in the evening, and travelled for more than an hour to reach. Only when we reached did I realise I forgot to withdraw to pay. AHHHH. I told you to sit and rest while I went to draw, cos it was really my fault. I forgot. But you walked all 45min with me to find the nearest ATM, then back. Then reassured me time and again it was ok. Then kept asking if I needed to use the GPS on your phone instead cos my phone battery was dying. I felt safe, even when we walked through that dark road, even when we went into the industrial building way after most people left work. Afterwards, you decided it was ok to carry the box alone, even though I told you we should split the load. You told me to buy dinner first while you watched the stuff, and I was surprised how you didn't just put it aside and buy it at the same time. Then all the way back you were still patient and reassuring. At pioneer, we met friends. And when they stirred, you just acted like they didn't say anything. And really, I was floored. I would never have been brave enough to go there alone, or to endure all the walking without blaming myself. Impressed was an understatement.

Again when you insisted on pushing the foolscap trolley, when we collected the red bull. And when you offered a ride home, then to hall when you realised I still had papers. I seriously have never seen such chivalry extended to someone you merely just started working with. I don't deny that I really admire that attitude. But part of me wants to keep that wall. Just because.

Just because every time I open my hall door, I remember the cushion, the cookies, the wallet. I remember what happened the last time I let this happen. I remember the daily messages, the gossip, the jokes, the many many hints. I remember the lack of courage, the awkward conversations. And I recall why this is now facing me every time I open my door. Why we have to see each other almost every day.

Then I tell myself to stop being impressed and focus on my tasks at hand. Focus on collecting all my items, focus on my studies, focus on my friends and family. Just because. There is a risk that is too high to attempt at this moment. And I wish for the strength to carry it through. To not hope for too much, cos that's where disappointment comes from, hope.

Along the way, the jug of sweets. They don't mean anything, because I'm too stubborn to settle.

Also, found out about something that surprised me quite a little, and made me rethink my family's dynamics. Shall settle it after exams.

been really really busy recently but somehow i just felt like coming here...

feel a bit, um, betrayed? made use of? idk. 

so since i took on two subs to stay, i planned to fulfil. 

but now there's a chance i don't need to anymore. or can't. cos someone else is taking the slot. 

and feel like wanting out of the other too. no point doing one if it still doesn't hit right. 

actually after that discussion. felt like going out of both. feel used. is it cos i will still help out even if i'm out? do i really look that nice? i really don't know. 

on a brighter note. that was really an ego boost. or a few, to be exact. 

once when someone needed my assignment to 'reference'. 

during members' day. 

at canteen a. 

at mdp lab. 

why are you all so superficial... 

and so. going for a meeting later (i think). and prob going ah lian. destress from all this rubbish. 

sleep and work can wait. for now. 

so i realised i haven't updated the results.
my votes were higher, but it didn't cross threshold. so yea. by-election.

got in through co-opt in the end. explains so much.

anyway there's a reason i'm here even though i should be working on my marketing presentation.
here's probably the last post i'm going to dedicate to you.

two years of ups and downs. and it's finally over.
thanks for the ride. for letting me know you tried, albeit not hard enough.
have to admit i didn't try hard enough too. but at least i don't have to regret giving up a friend in exchange for our own selfish purposes.

there's no regrets. that's probably for the best that things turned out like this. after today, i will stand back up and find my own path, no more looking at you walk down yours. but just like always, just let me think things through and be thankful we were friends.

but i really wish you all the best. no more dragging it out. please treasure what you have, and fight for what you want this time. see you around (all the time actually), and be happy, that's good enough(:

this is another ranty post. hahaha.

um. i am running for cec's corporate liaison. this comes as a surprise to me more than it does to other people, i guess, especially since they don't seem to realise that i can't even imagine that i would win. but i'll try. partly for the experience, partly for my confidence.

please don't let me lose too badly. hahah.

it may be an odd comparison, but it's just like freshie year again. another start at school life, this time without the familiarity of a close neighbour, or even my previous elitist class.

new friends in hall, in my faculty, and hopefully in a comm i will enjoy. more groupmates i don't know, more challenges this year. we'll make it through yea.

gogo study hard. stop emoing this year. 

haven't really had the time to do this, but now before i sleep, shall round it up shortly.

foc was over, just like that. a year of hard work, collecting sponsor items, looking for canvassing, designing posters.
also a year of tanking rubbish from certain people. hahaha.

some people stayed on to help despite knowing that they had no hall, and i really really appreciate it. some helped even if they weren't obliged to. and this whole camaraderie was really something i hadn't experienced before. really grateful for friends like these.

the small problem that surfaced, i admit, may be partly due to my lack of ability to convince someone that there are many ways to deal with an issue, and an outright rejection is not the best when it comes to the sensitive issue of bonding. ohwells.

post event reports. the sense of completion but not being finished entirely was so sian. follow ups and such were so troublesome that i probably never want to do it again. except i have to.

anyway. there was this sense of loss after foc. the feeling of knowing that your friends are going exchange/ attachment while you're staying here alone is pretty bad. and i wondered how i was going to cope with eating alone/ doing hall stuff alone for half a year.

but i'll survive. like we all do. rise up to the occasion and try to make the best of it.

on the bright side, i have a jap roomie!

night cycling in one and a half weeks. and rally straight after (if i decide to go). gg.
hope i can tank and not collapse while doing my speech LOL.

ok shall sleep. nights world

you probably don't know what you did to my self confidence.
i'm sorry i'm not smart enough to be in my course.
if you're so aggrieved about having friends like that, then stop coming back and ranting to me only when you have problems and want attention. i'm not here as a emotional punchbag for you. friends don't do this to each other.

it's been two years, and i'm still checking to see if you're okay, trying to get whatever short glimpses i need to make myself content...
maybe it's not for the same reason anymore, but it will still comfort me greatly.
i wish you all the best.

stressed. tired. discomfort all over.

hang in there, just 4 more months, and i'll be free from this.

i miss the times we've messaged each other all day long, knowing full well that you don't have free sms. the times we used to facebook message even though i barely had any battery left in my phone. the times i'll tell you about my troubles and you'll tell me about how some random people are making out at your table. the times i'll say i'm hungry and you offer to bring me chocolate. those were the days.
how we've both grown. we're both loaded now with responsibilities, with problems neither of us can take alone. but now, we're facing them on our own. to say i miss you isn't exactly accurate. rather, i miss our shared memories. the times when you weren't being so mean to my friend, the times when you were somebody i could trust.

if you ask me what i missed the most, i'll say the confidence without the cockiness.

i wish i could talk to you like before, but not anymore. we've grown up, and grown apart.

so stressed. i don't know who else can understand, but at least i'm trying.
back i go to reports and assignments.
exams in 3 weeks but still stuck on assignments. good job.

The Story of Us (Taylor Swift)

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say, "they're the lucky ones"

Camp has got to be one of the most memorable events in uni. You do crazy things together, you lack sleep together, you support each other with whatever strength you have left from the activities, and you meet new people whom you may otherwise never talk to...

I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat

In camp you are always, ALWAYS paired up with people from the opposite sex. For freshies who rarely even talk to people who aren't from the same sex, it's definitely a new experience. Especially when both of them are evergreen, and inexperienced in how to communicate with people they won't even dare to talk to. You end up holding hands, walking around together blindfolded for activities, and even awkwardly getting tekan-ed by seniors.

After all that you go through, you wind up talking to each other often. You bring your phone around everywhere, you exceed the SMS limit but continue, you text each other through lessons, while studying, and even during friend outings with pictures of your food, looking at your phone incessantly for entertainment.

But you don't meet up in real life, you don't talk to each other. It was bound to come a day when you stopped talking completely.

'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

You asked for lunch, and then decided to change your mind. You treat so many people in such a nonchalant or mean manner that it should have been a sign. But why didn't she realise it earlier?

Oh, a simple complication,

She wasn't the only one who liked you. And you knew, it was too obvious not to realise. But you didn't make things clear, nor did you do anything to settle the issue. 

Miscommunications lead to fall out

It's just not possible to measure what you give out and expect people to "repay" you for it. Add on the fieriness of both your characters, how can anyone say they didn't see this coming? Somehow or another, you still continued as usual, but with more reservation.

So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Repeatedly being cruel to someone else, you were. It became the last straw. This time, she was determined.

Now I'm standing alone In a crowded room

Every event, every time you meet again. You notice her standing there, still incessantly looking at her phone. But this time, it's not to you. 

And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know
Is it killing you like it's killing me yeah

The next time you sat down together out of necessity, no one else at the table around knew anything about what had happened. Instead, it was the normal chatter, and you acted as though you were you again. You never talked directly throughout, and never looked at each other in the eye.

I don't know what to say since the twist of fate
When it all broke down and the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now. Next chapter

Or maybe it was never meant to happen. You were never meant to be together.

How'd we end up this way?

When they say opposites attract, they didn't mean two very stubborn people with very contrasting views.

See me nervously pulling at my clothes
And trying to look busy

Her phone will always be her focus when you see her. And no matter how engrossed she is, she can't concentrate.

And you're doing your best to avoid me

You continue to talk to your friends, to show off to other people. And just as nobody knows, nothing would have seemed like it happened.

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me

Maybe, just maybe, this story will remain a secret forever in your hearts.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending

After a year and a half of a rollercoaster ride, it finally goes back down and you both are reluctant to get off. 

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

You may act like it didn't matter, but if she was ever right about anything, it was that you were trying hard at first. It was just missed opportunities and lack of understanding from two yet-to-mature people.

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud

It's been almost a few months since a normal conversation has occurred. She stops checking if you're still paying attention, but removes your contact from the nickname.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know
Is it killing you like it's killing me yeah
I don't know what to say since the twist of fate
When it all broke down and the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less

You're winning. Just don't rub in the fact. She's still nursing the hurt without anyone knowing. The common friends continue to be oblivious, and the other people don't even acknowledge an existential friendship.

But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon

It may not have been the best journey, but it was definitely a story to keep. You can continue with your own lives, never stopping to nod to each other in the corridors, never making eye contact, but you can never completely remove these memories etched in the youthful, angsty, impressionable minds of the two people involved.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know
Is it killing you like it's killing me yeah
I don't know what to say since the twist of fate
When it all broke down and the story of us
Looks a lot like a tragedy now, the end


It's March yet again. The Script is coming to SG. I'm sure it'll be enjoyable. 

how long haven't i been here...

another vday on its way.
great.

should go and sleep. really.
more work to be done tmr.

cny holiday is officially over.
haiz

rant rant rant.
super hungry at this hour but can't eat much cos im sleeping soon. i hope.

anyway its been another frustrating month.
i've had enough of these politics and backstabbing. why are people so hard to understand?
you can seriously just take over now.
stop pretending that i can change any of this when i can't. 

of course, i've also learnt more about how to play pool, went to look at stars at night, and generally enjoyed myself in the free time i had.
and i finally feel like i'm making some headway in being friends with some people...
suppers, pool, carrom, late night htht, even (anyhow) guitar strumming.

if you'll let your walls down, so will i.

hmm suddenly i realise i'm turning 21 soon.
so many things i wish to do before then...

will be sleeping soon. hopefully i'll be able to wake up early enough to wash clothes and eat breakfast.

have to stop being in a bad mood and affecting others too.

oh! today some mediacorp actor came in while we were playing pool to teach us, just for fun. LOL. and some random people too. all at different times.
games room too hapz.

on a side note, i only ate one chicken rice and cookies today. win liao.
super bad for health.

please tell me we'll make it, somehow.
without being overly idealistic, do assure me that he won't change your opinions anymore.
really need the reassurance.