who am i supposed to listen to?
 
point is, we can't please everyone
 
honestly, today is going to be a long loooong day

okay, i finally came clean and told someone what i've been keeping in
feels better i guess

some things can never be fully removed, a little part will always remain

went for ntu talks today, which was somewhat like what i expected

you know sometimes when something doesn't seem to be going right? then you are reminded of almost everything that is wrong, and it all adds up

i think many things come with a price
a form of trade off

should i accept their offer and conform to their standards of beauty?
is it true that being 'pretty' is really so important, that it makes life easier for some people?
i know, up till now, that it's an undeniable advantage
do i cave in?
though its not like it'll work i think
not pretty means not pretty

i feel cheated

you asked me to help, so i did
then you kept rushing us, so we hurried it out for you
then we got you what you wanted, and you promised us to start

and you decided at the last minute to change your mind and go for someone else's instead
what am i supposed to tell them? that i'm sorry i have poor judgment?

and the cheque thing
and so many other things happened today

i guess that was a trigger
haven't broken down like that in years
spent like almost an hour inside my room before calming down enough to go outside for dinner

this was also the first time this year i felt so lousy

i know, it wasn't totally my fault, all of that
but i feel responsible for them, more or less

and tomorrow, although i'm not on duty, i'm going back to make at least one of the messes right
or at least try to minimise the damage

at times like just now, when i was in that state of wreckage,
i don't need to hear you making excuses for her, when i know perfectly well what happened
i just wanted support

i wish for strength to get through stuff like that
what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger

and wisdom to learn to react appropriately to solve problems
judgment, to know who will end up betraying me anyway
and growth from experience

i keep hearing those two songs on radio these few days
coincidence?
 
anyway, shall go prepare to draft the 100+ contracts this afternoon
so many haha, so rushed
 
pray that i don't make any stupid mistakes

no expectations
so what happens? i don't need to achieve anymore
i try so hard, at work, in school
and you guys don't even care

i do fairly ok for psle without studying,
and you don't care
she wants to get bluetooth headset with one A
i work for Os
you tell me i won't make it in jc anyway
even after i take As
you tell me go poly

what is this supposed to mean?
fine, i work hard at work, i learn stuff even it don't know
and what of it? not important, not interested

instead, you tell me you want all of us to go just to buy stamp pad for her friend after she gave her a stamp

what happened to meritocracy? to incentive to work?

never mind
do you really even understand how i feel now?

i'll just go sleep
since nothing can change all this

i know this isn't easy
but the sense of achievement when i learn something new, especially when they don't know, is so nice
 
this time, i set my mind down to it, i WILL also learn all the stuff about excel before i start uni
 

so sleeepy
 
got to run errand later
as in, take mrt to run
 
haha i bought TOTO and 4D for the first time today

heard this on new year's
and got reminded when i saw it again just now
"Math tells of three sad love stories. Of parallel lines that were never meant to meet, of tangents that meet once then go their separate ways, and of asymptotes which can only get close but never reach each other."

will be getting busier, partly cos my phone pal is going to get married! haha
we've been talking every single weekday for weeks already

and i don't feel any preparations for cny, except maybe decorating the office

today i was shouted at again
and what made me feel the worst, was that someone always has to pick up after me
i'm supposed to lighten the load, not add to it

how far should we go in the pursuit of perfection? of beauty?
is it sufficient to just be acceptable?
whether it is in terms of beauty, or what we do?
people tell us it's what's on the inside that counts
and that perfection doesn't matter, we just have to be okay
then we talk about our responsibilities
and they say to try the hardest we can
which, exactly should be our aim?
when they both are so contradictory

anyway, i wish you all the best
study hard!
and thanks for the nice smelling present (:

good night

i wonder how your first day of work went, but i can't ask.

at least, not now

you know the feeling when you're so busy with everything, yet still have time to think
it makes life a lot harder

but maybe it's also fate when the phone battery goes flat, not earlier, not later, but just when i start work

even though i haven't known you for long, you brightened up my lunchtimes, treated me to food and ice cream, and basically, you were starting to convince me that eating isn't anything to be ashamed of.
and i know, although i still don't feel as comfortable as you guys want me to, i was making gradual progress.
i like your imitations, your stories, and the way you answer the phone(:
and i will miss you

okay, so i'm very curious
haha
partly the small fear of mismatching i guess
my colleagues were really counting on it

which reminds me, i think i have zhi2 ye4 bing4
i keep asking people the same question when we talk

relieved now
more or less
hang on! you can do it((:

i am tired

shall round off, then sleep

yup

twf: let go gracefully

headache
maybe it's lack of sleep, maybe other reasons

whichever it is, it's wearing me out

so went to ite for dinner
the food wasn't bad, but quite ex

shall go sleep soon

the highlight of the day? two bright yellow envelopes
so cool! hahaha

okay so i was kidding
the highlight was when i received the email cc-ing me
congratulations, and all the best
please, just don't pangseh okay

shall go sleep soon
so tired

before 11 possible?
haha prob not

曾害怕了这一生 是你始终甘心靠近
我方知拥有著缘份 重建我信心

upload contracts, file them
file other stuff
then open letterbox
deal with the stuff inside
 
and it seems, i can't help you this time
sorry

still an epic failure
can't send an email without the person calling in to demand to know what it means
and can't handle the call either
 
wts

am looking for volunteer work
why? cos i want to do more meaningful stuff
i mean, yes, i help people in my job, but it's just not enough for me
i want to do more

so anyone interested tell me k, haha

prob have to find something more flexible though, cos my schedule needs to be worked around

shall sleep soon, to ensure im not that tired tomorrow
have to post 2 ads, upload >10 contracts, file them, prepare docs to send to MO
all in the morning
then have to notify (ARGH) whether they got the jobs
chase timesheet
and then it's the end of yet another week

长夜有你醉也真 让我终於找到信任
不管一切是疑问 快乐是情人

didn't have time to slack today

you know, i'm obligated to help people
and it, in some ways, does link me back to my ultimate aim
but why is it that i just can't believe in you anymore?

fine, cheat me when i was young
then make me think we're fine again
then ditch me again when you want to
again and again over the years, i was stupid

never really learnt how to see people till it's too late

maybe, just maybe
i need to learn to prioritise
people who are no longer supposed to affect me, don't
and i put the job above my selfish thoughts

on a brighter note, guess who i may be meeting in the next few days?
if i actually clinch that, that is

shall go study/ do crafts and sleep by 11.45
why? cos ytd i failed to sleep by 12 haha
was talking(:

曾被破碎过的心 让你今天轻轻贴近
多少安慰及疑问 偷偷的再生

i am determined,
before i go to uni, i WILL finish redecorating the blogs
and revise deutsch

you are my new (old? uhh haha idk) guardian angel hahaha

i saw 09:09 and 10:10, and 11:11 twice because of you((:
even if i did see 05:05, 06:06, and 07:07 too, for some reason hahaha

you know those days when i slack so much
that it's so sian
and we end up just doing nothing useful in particular?

today wasn't one of those days

anyway, am so tired
i made another don't know how many phone calls today
after the (impressive??) 28 on sat
and updated system
chased leave/ claim forms/ ts
studied abit of german
uploaded contracts
and this took up so much time
that i could only go halfway through the insurance thing
zzz

so yea, byebye slack

i will sleep before 12 today
so that i can go earlier tomorrow to attempt to do more

人渐醉了夜更深 在这一刻多麽接近
思想仿似在摇撼 矛盾也更深
actually, all i need now is some faith

today during lunch
we talked about dreams, aspirations

that's when i realised, they ALL didn't manage to fulfil their childhood dreams

are grades really that important in today's society?
such that without the BEST grades, we can't do what we want?
are many of us, who can't study that well, condemned to being unable to choose first?

and are unconventional talents, really not given the chance?

and then again, dreams are just dreams, who is to say that they should come true?
after all, i once dreamed of having you

sign up, pack german stuff, sleep

basically, today was a boring day, spent it looking for cloth
which, technically, i still haven't found, unless i settle for the plastic kind...

wells

have been working so hard these few days
then sleeping later, waking earlier
or maybe, there are some things i didn't need to volunteer to help with, or even to accept to do, because it's not part of the scope
but then again, maybe it helped me instead

its healing, more or less
at least, that's what i hope
still red, slight surges of pain at times, and sometimes itchy
but i'm not touching it for no reason, so it should be fine

additional target for the year:
learn 10 german words a day and/or do something related to my hobbies everyday

yet another thing to keep me even busier

anyway, i'll sign up tomorrow night

everything has got its place in time
even the day must give way to the night

is there really such a thing as complete selflessness?

well, at least, i don't believe so up till this point in time

haha i still can't understand why money is everything to some people
i guess it more or less boils down to our values, in a way

off to do proposal soon
shall sleep by 11.15
i think the lack of sleep is what's giving me a headache

please, please let it not be an infection

i'm tired

Dear blog, sorry for being too tired or busy these few days to really tell you everything i want to.
 
Basically, I get so sleepy that once my hair dries, I sleep. I no longer have the time to update as much as I did.
 
There are just too many things to say sometimes, and I wish that I'd be able to say it all, but sometimes I'm just not able to, either due to lack of time, or lack of courage, or energy.
 
With this bit of free time I have now, I think this apology is absolutely necessary, especially to myself, in a way.
When we do not vent, we end up filled to the brim with things that we should let go of, and it drives us to feel so frustrated, sometimes to the point of being upset.

Moreover, life is full of endless possibilities, unexpected occurances that just disrupt our plans, or enrich them.
That, changes the paths we take, and our lives as a result.
 
Life is also full of temptations, and at times, we just can't resist them. Irregardless of the amount of tries, they turn out but as mere attempts that prove to be futile.
And this is a point I keep proving over and over.
 
But it's okay, we should be learning from all these experiences. Fall, stand up, fall again, stand up again. This is what we should be striving to do.
Still, most of us just can't.
 
Does time really heal all?

open house today!
haha went back, got goodie bags, ate, took photos, then left

shall decide on the ntu thing

anw, finally poked

shall sleep
carefully, i may add

night

talk about epic failures

so anyway, didn't manage to finish what i had to
didn't manage to call everyone
didn't get all the timesheets scanned

did, however, answer all the phone calls during lunch

need to sleep
so tired

still no guts to pierce, like seriously, tmr?

i guess i'm lucky in some ways
 
tired
really really want to sleep

3rd time in a row
why the heck

sn got top scholar again btw

you'd think that if someone was ps-ed so many times, there's a very low possibility of trusting them not to do so again
then again, there are some stupid people who will never learn

which further proves my point that grades aren't everything

so, guess who i saw at j8
i really really haven't hugged anyone so hard for such a long time

i got the result INFJ twice
then ISTP and ISFJ
lol i guess the I is confirmed

anyway made stamps today
was quite fun(:

shall sleep by 11.30 tonight
yup

so why?

i realised i can't even handle a simple phone call without getting all nervous and stuttering
i can't finish what i told myself i would
i had to ask repeatedly to do sth i've handled before
i needed help to finish the leave forms
and the worst thing is, i don't even think i can anymore

epic failure? i would think so

so anyway managed to make stamps today
a little rough though, the workmanship

finish up, look for the other stuff i still kept, upload tmr

i really am an epic failure in admin
zzz

i'm tired

dreams

so many things happened today, and they all reminded me of dreams
dreams change as circumstances change, which makes it another dependent variable in our lives

i met frau tan at ntuc while i was buying fruits for them
as we talked, i remember the dream i had back then
of course, we can't all get what we want
and sacrifices would have to be made

the ID job
i could actually have prepared a portfolio for something like this
all due to the dream i had the past 2 years
and i thought about the pursuit of something so difficult, and i wondered what exactly gave me the strength to push on
yet the strength to let go, too

and while eating dinner just now with her
i vaguely recalled the simple dream i had when i was younger
making a difference, is not as easy as i had thought
and it seems as though i wouldn't be living this dream out

but i also realised
some people have dreams that are so different, so basic
that mine seems so selfish and minor

i don't think i will ever get the courage to do all that
but with whatever strength i have, i wish the courage increases
and that someday i'll be able to face my own problems bravely too

all the best to you

ohwell, dreams are dreams

work is getting so much busier now

i guess i spend less time online nowadays, especially since i get so tired when i reach home, and there are still so many things to handle

took down the christmas tree and put up the decorations for cny just now
the office looks so different

so anyway, going to sleep

i think it just isn't what we all thought it was

go earlier tomorrow, handle the dozens of timesheets for courier, upload and file all contracts

am nodding off already..

the time has come to be true to yourself
stop chasing dreams meant for somebody else

i'm making changes to my life too

today went to sign contract
which resulted in me having the whole long ride home to think
zzz

spent the whole of today on the phone
it was exhausting, mostly because some people don't care about whether you can handle 80 people in two days, around a total of making 120 phone calls
they just keep calling back to check, or scolding us when we check

shall sleep soon

so anyway i realised almost all my close friends have songs that remind me of them haha

finally met the person i've been talking to for 2 weeks

okay back to what i was thinking
what exactly is beauty?
it's all so real, yet such an abstract idea at the same time

some people see beauty inside, some on the outside
some feel it's all due to the beholder
i just wonder, what exactly constitutes beauty?

there are people who spend their days feeling ugly
but what brings about those thoughts?

is being nice really not sufficient?

tomorrow's another busy day
target:
finish leave forms all before 11
scan, upload contracts and invoices by lunch

call the remainder of the people

settle timesheets

i appreciate having a larger workload now
can really immerse myself in work

but these few days i kept making mistakes
and it made me really, really pissed
how is it possible that i can get cheated so easily? or that i'm still so careless and making the same mistakes over and over? or that despite studying for so long, i still lack the basic memory for some stuff?

or maybe, i'm just not cut out for all this

as i was finally free after a long long day just now,
one word came to mind
even after not thinking for the whole day, this still popped up
the word illusion
for almost 9 months, illusion was what happened
illusion was what made it all go wrong
and i was gullible and -in a plainer term- stupid
it turned out like that
maybe getting cheated yesterday and only realising it today was the big trigger
but it made me feel so bad

i guess, more or less, some things don't go according to plan
and sometimes, we just have to accept it

so just learn to not trust as easily,
and won't get cheated so easily too

good thing they found out early

damn it.

this is so not the mood for work
 
cold, quiet (too quiet)
 
and my green tea gets colder by the minute...
 
so yea, eating soon

just finished choosing photos for my 11 calendar

and my proudest photos are there, along with the most memorable and stuff

today was so exhausting though
failed at that phone call, and had to rush out the handling of timesheets
tmr will be another busy busy day

highlight? eating the 'famous' chicken rice
then going back to them eating fruits and talking

well, at least i know happy endings do happen
and i'm glad for the meeting ups these few days
it's like another form of therapy, not including retail, walking and food haha

argh
so many mistakes
epic fail

yea you're right,
we started out on almost the same journey 6 years ago
before we ended up in three different places, three sob stories to share

but that belonged to 2010
we're now all on the road to recovery, aren't we?

so it was just a coincidence yesterday that led us to finally fulfil our pact of 6 years

after receiving the sms, i went off work
walked around j8 cos there was still an hour left
and then met cp there

decided at kinder's house,
to go countdown together

talked a lot last night
i really, really feel better now, but i guess i was the luckiest? cos it wasn't as deep and stuff
we stayed up till 3 something before we finally attempted to sleep
and despicable me was playing in the background while we talked

and i know there are so many coincidences,
but i still believe in fate

so we counted down, then went to drink sparking juice (yea i know my alcohol ability sucks)
and we talked and talked
2 whole years of stuff bottled up, kept

when we woke again around 9
ate breakfast downstairs, and lunch at the coffeeshop next to our previous home
then to nex

walked around and talked somemore
and i silently told myself, if i wanted to buy THAT necklace in future, it wouldn't be because of that reason anymore

took our last photo of 2010 and first of 2011 together(:

i think i'm ready to learn to let go
together, we can

for the first time in years, these are my new year's resolutions (at least up till now)

• try to make the most out of all the time i have
  
• learn to decipher the meaning behind words
  
• work harder!
  
• keep in touch with my friends and relatives
  
• be less bitchy/ nicer
  
• know my limits
  
• finish at least 3/4 of the stuff i wanted to do for this holiday till uni starts
  
• and to exercise self restraint (seriously)
  

shall go transfer photos now

zzz comp kept turning itself off, don't know what's wrong also

hello 2011(:

am using email on my phone, short post before i sleep

anw, this countdown and new year was one of the most unique, yet totally impromptu

blog in detail later, haha
just that its amazing i not really sleepy now yet