So. We ended it yesterday.
Or you ended it. Whichever, it's not like it matters.

Am I really too much of a workaholic to care about you?
I thought I ensured I was always there, during your maze runs, after your interviews. When you were sick. When you were upset.
On the contrary, you told me no one likes to play second fiddle. When I finished my interviews you were still asleep, when I had a quiz you didn't even ask how it went. And what you say is that all this will change when you graduate. Well, I'm graduating, but you believe I will be a workaholic for life. How come I never asked you back the same thing? Cos I accepted it there and then, that your studies will always be first. And I supported that, asked you to study, asked you to even ask her for help.

From the start, we knew each other's commitments. Are you seriously telling me that after 4 months, now you feel that I didn't put in enough? Just because during an event I ran off when they called me? Just because it's my commitment to a group of people (which also includes you?). Are you seriously telling me that what you liked in the first place about the passion and the drive, is now the reason you refuse to carry on?

I am confused. And upset. I know in your point of view it may be different, you may have felt neglected. And I apologised for that. But now you cut it off and refuse to give me another chance, even though in three weeks I will no longer be a student. But you will still be. Just because you only travel to school and back everyday, and going further is a hassle? Or are you simply not confident in yourself to make a commitment?

The best thing is when I asked for a trial period, you asked why should we try.

I don't know if it hurts you as much as it hurts me. But over the past week I have been thinking and thinking, and everything just doesn't seem to fall into place. Does it matter how I randomly tear up at things that remind me of you, or did you never even care in the first place? Have you ever really thought of trying, or was I convenient just because I was graduating and an easy target to you? Things that I will never get an answer to. Because I have no guts to ask.

Tomorrow, I will see you again. I wonder how I'll feel, and how I'll react.

Maybe we really are too similar. This is the problem.

Just because we never did start formally doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I told you I didn't want to get into this because I didn't want to hurt again since the start. But it happened anyway. What I can only do now is bite the bullet, and hang in there for 3 more weeks. Act like nothing ever happened since we have too many common friends.

Maybe this time it will be faster

I realise it's been two months since I wrote the last post. And I'm not proud at all that I failed to let it all go. 

I thought I had given up in end feb, but it all came back. It's been all turbulence. 

We've gone out for dinner, for lunch, and studied together almost half the week each week. We've watched a midnight movie with us walking back afterwards. But I've also felt neglected and unhappy a lot of the time. I know you don't check your phone often, and that's okay. I know you're rarely the conversation starter, and that's okay too. I don't blame you for wanting to study on weekends or even with someone who hasn't gotten over you. But I really really mind when you say we should have been doing something together, then you do it with my friends instead, even when I moved away to study alone or to have some space. I know it sounds very attention seeking, but it really sucks to know that I came to wait for you in the cold alone and you decide to join other people instead. It's nice that sometimes you think of me and do small gestures, but it's not enough. When I fail my interviews or am exhausted from an event, I don't want to wonder why you're not here for me. When I suddenly have to leave I don't want to know why you didn't even bother to ask. 

Maybe I was wrong all along to give this another shot. Maybe I just didn't matter enough to you. Maybe you were just bored. Maybe I am just too forgetful. 

Then why did you give me a vday present in secret? Why come and find me when I'm studying? Why would you watch a midnight movie with me and walk back together? Why would you see me drifting away and try to pull me back again and again? 

It hurts to know anyone else can replace me. But how can I make it hurt enough to give up? 

Maybe the only thing that can help is time. Graduating soon.