half a day left

still wondering what's the best way to spend it

some things have been dragging on for too long
today, they end
tomorrow, it's a new year, a new beginning

as i looked through my past blog posts, i realised i never did put up my resolutions
partly cos, i was afraid of not meeting my own expectations

do we aim high if we're not prepared to fall the distance?
they say you aim for the stars, and reach the sky if it fails
but it may be a longer distance to fall than that

or is it better to aim lower, safer?

the fear of hurt increases each time

ohwells

tired...

need to make calendar, and theres so much i havent done, so little time left

i must be the worst admin asst ever
so many mistakes

anw went for a "attachment" for interview today

one more day to the end of the year, here we go

忘了有多久 再没听到你
对我说你最爱的故事
我想了很久 我开始慌了
是不是我又做错了什么

你哭着对我说
童话里都是骗人的
我不可能是你的王子
也许你不会懂
从你说爱我以后
我的天空星星都亮了

我愿变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局

我要变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信 相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局

我会变成童话里
你爱的那个天使
张开双手变成翅膀守护你
你要相信
相信我们会像童话故事里
幸福和快乐是结局
一起写我们的结局

haven't blogged in so long
was so, so busy these few days

basically, went to the farm on fri after work
it was, a little unexpected cos i thought the room wouldn't be arranged that way

it should have been a lot of stuff to talk about, but i'm too tired to remember it all

highlight: ate a lot of bread and fried rice
did some farming, had a tour
went PRAWNING
hahaha it was fun pulling it out, not so much waiting
and it rained so heavily there

mon, got treated to lunch! haha cos of the whole fire saga

ytd and today so busy too
suddenly got so much to do

and got this headache

went for interview with HR
and then guess who i saw

i need sleep
seriously

before i collapse, night

i know it's not very good to be doing this now
but it's like there's not much to do now
everyone's in the holiday mood lol
 
so anyway on fri 17/12
went in the morning
ate buffet lunch there then waited in the room
outside the balcony was a star cruise ship docking
haha then the ppl were waving from their rooms and stuff
 
then went for a mini tour around the ship before we went out to the muster stations for emergency exercise
saw the casino and souvenir shops, and the stuff like the lounge
(and the children's club, HAHA which my sis REFUSED to go into)
sis had to wear some band thing as another emergency measure for the whole trip
 
the ship finally started at 4.10pm
the balcony had a very cool view
very nice
i enjoyed drawing outside, with the nice view and breeze
then did the daily sudoku we got from the library
 
went out for formal night afterward
it was a little awkward though, cos we didn't know the other 7 people at the table
and they were staring at us
 
took LOADS of photos hahaha
 
then 8/12
woke up early in the morning at 7 plus "to eat breakfast early to be able to eat lunch in time for the tour at penang"
damn tired can
went to some shopping centre, and this place to buy penang goods like tau sa piah and there was this thing that was like bak kut teh except it was made with CHICKEN instead of pig bones
cool sia
then went to the place for penang laksa and char kway teow
it was piping hot, nice(:
 
then to the lounge for complimentary drinks
drank champagne
which, uh, i must admit, was stronger than i thought
played taiti in the room 
we had alot of fun
then had dinner
which we ordered room service cos it was already included in the facilities and services that came with our room
then got this massive headache
so i slept early
 
sun 19/12
got up bright and early again
then went out to KL
 
shopping, we got lost in the place
got so many shopping malls linked together
haha in the end had to go out to the road to walk back
 
also saw the twin towers and some historical monument which i don't know the name of
and learnt why there was a tower next to the towers
 
this may be odd, but we ate crystal jade there
lol cos the others were so packed
and there wasn't really that much food at that building
 
mon 20/12
came back after waking at 6 plus then eating buffet breakfast
had a few last photos and played taiti again before we left
 
ohh and i forgot to mention, there was an animal folded by towels on the bed everyday
haha
 
so reached home
maid opened the door, then started crying
apparently she lost the hamster
by, uh, accidentally leaving an opening which the hamster crawled out of
this started a large search
which also meant i didn't get to rest
 
tue 21/12
started work when i was very tired 

wed 22/12
had christmas celebration haha
they made me wear the pink hat and all
polaroid photos!
and presents
 
i haven't finished my chirstmas presents yet ohno
maybe do over the christmas break then give belated 

OMGOMGONG I CANT BELIEVE THIS
as i was typing the previous part, the microwave CAUGHT FIRE 
and very fortunately, my colleague spotted it fast
like, it really burnt
there was this small fire inside
and we completely panicked
there was like smoke and everything
and the whole place was filled with smoke
then they were like asking if it'd explode
now still got smoky smell
 
i like working here
haha, got so many cool things happening
although, i'm pretty sure i wouldn't want to explode into pieces lol
really. going to work damn fun hahaha
 
so yea, i don't think i'll be able to blog for awhile
no internet

life's been so hectic this week
i'll update once i have time

haha they're like celebrating christmas. damn high. LOL

reality finally hit
this time, i really need to stop
sorry for disturbing

why the heck do i still believe that?
i was wrong, very very wrong
all those references
all those wrong inferences

as long as the stars shine down from the heavens, as long as the river runs to the sea
i'll never get over you getting over me

i guess the job is a form of consolation and distraction
i pray for strength, and that miracles do happen
that the hamster is safe somewhere, and happy

on the bright side, i finally managed to call cdds today (:
and i feel slightly more like i'm fitting in

but i'm tired

and i didn't find the post office

ohwells, we gain some, we lose some

night

(EDITED)
came back from the cruise just now

very very tired

there was a very cool view from our balcony, and every time the shop moved, there would be a nice breeze

when we were in the room, we played taiti
didn't really manage to use all the facilities though
cos the tours took up a lot of energy too

the food was okay, but i don't think i could have done what he did when he went for cruise, eat all the time lol

and the service was very good, i think mostly cos of the rooms or sth

basically when we reached home, we were notified that the hamster was missing cos she forgot to close the barrier thing and left a gap -.-
and now it's still lost

so yea, very exhausted from looking in every nook and cranny for it
shall sleep early
still need to go work

maybe if i have time i'll just update after that

throughout the journey, there were so many reminders...


reading all those blog posts, those fb wall to walls, even when i found out it was all just hacking, made me realise how important she was to you.
made me realise how much i meant in the first place

why give me that false hope just to crush it again?
maybe i was just overestimating myself again this time

yea so you mention in your blog what i gave you - stars
you talk about your lack of time, just as i did last week
rollerblading just a week after i did

and i know, it may all have been a coincidence
but it's just too hard to believe i'm even a friend anymore

and maybe it's finally time to let go
no matter how much it hurts, there's 3 months to get over it

i berate myself for the complete and total lack of control in asking about the person working there

once more, i'm going to try

i just find it all so much of a pity
is it really true that the closest guy and girl friends can never remain as friends?

am i supposed to regret or be happy that my advice was heard and awkward people can get over it faster?

maybe i should just keep my mouth shut for now.
and what i really want is just willpower now

maybe it really all starts with goodbye

*work today was slacker than yesterday
partly cos i wasn't learning as much new stuff as i was applying the old

this is probably going to be one of the last posts for a long time

going malaysia tmr

i realised, sometimes, for some stuff, it's better not to try
especially when you know no matter how hard you do, and how much effort you put in, it's all coming to a nought

i feel a little sad about trying to leave it all behind, but it's probably for the best i guess

lau was right
so was her sis

last christmas, i gave you my heart
and the very next day, you gave it away
this year, to save me from tears
i'll give it to someone special
but what if, that person doesn't care either?
i guess it doesn't matter anymore

seems a lot of stuff isn't happening according to plan
but ohwells, have fun
i know u guys will enjoy yourselves

on this road we all call life
we pass other people on the way
sometimes, we meet at junctions and walk together for awhile
others, we follow or lead
and there are also times when we just walk past, a fleeting moment of fate
but when roads divide and people each have their dreams
they separate
sometimes the roads lead back together, sometimes they don't
whichever happens, it's been a good trip
and the journey is what matters in the end

we may walk with other people as we continue down the road
sometimes parting with the previous, sometimes making the others our company
which helps in determining, to a certain extent, how we continue the walk

so we may wake up someday to realise that some people didn't really care about sharing the journey, just needing someone to be there as replacement
or that all along, we've been walking along the path other people chose just to make it last longer

and we should, try to follow where our hearts lead us to, although it may sometimes be wrong
the momentary silence would be a good time for reflection, and life just goes on

goodbye

work was VERY tiring
but it was fun, and i learnt so much

scanning and printing was so cool cos i realised i've never really done it using wireless network before
filing and entering data seems so admin-basic too
but today, i did more

the computer sort of broke down so i used another cpu as replacement
but it seems the email wasnt configured there and they wanted the old one with all the details to be used
so i didnt do anything regarding emails today
learnt how to upload sa, ec and tc
update system on candidates
did data matching
picked out files with SAs to scan, and listed the others
scanned timesheets
in fact, i need to fill in my own ts also
took up the mail
recorded invoices and updated that system too
and deposit cheques and call the courier guys
and the IT staff tmr if my email still not working

shall go sleep soon
dont want to be so sleepy again tmr
haha

seems sleepiness has become this defining trait since pri sch
but not now, no

ohh and i like the atmosphere and the spirit in the office
theres this sense of familiarity

will sleep by 11.30 tonight
early (at least earliER)

so anyway went to get a nets card
finally

also managed to help mum type labels
USING A TYPEWRITER
like omg its damn cool, and must be fast cos christmas is coming
but careful not to make mistakes also
and computer can't print that way cos the file isn't editable, so TYPEWRITER ((:

first day of work tmr
scared, but excited too i guess
had worked for mum's company before
wire-preparation
slotting christmas cards (for years)
admin
even fogging
but this time, this job, i can't rely on mum

shall pack stuff and sleep

i wonder if catching 11:11:11 ytd really gets me one wish...

but i guess, it's not that simple
if i really had that wish, what would i actually wish for?

i. am. so. tired.

everything's just happening too fast
in just 2 days, i've gone to a job agency, and actually landed a job IN the agency itself
and will have to start work soon

plus, i managed to learn some basics of excel
and i guess i left a pretty good impression
at least, that's the feeling i get

and i think i should start packing my stuff soon
so tonight, i'll start small since i'm tired
shall just rummage through my stuff and try to find my accessories and group them together

so anyway, after the interview met them at j8
turns out she came from an interview too

watched rapunzel (wth is my problem anyway, disney movies are affecting me wayy too much)
it was nice

still on the piercing problem
they say b&p isn't pain, but the studs are too small...

ohh and about the "piercing" i mentioned during As (lol i guess only kim understands this part)
that really really hurts
ohwells
it'll be over soon i guess

Loving someone deeply gives you strength, being loved deeply gives you courage
what happens when you have to stop loving that person?

interview tmr
i really really want this job, but again, too high hopes may lead to worse disappointments
so i'll just do my best(:

still need to alter the pants cos too long

haha and out to enjoy after that!

they asked me to go for another interview

woke up early this morn to go to mum's workplace for breakfast
then to orchard, then to bishan to look for jobs
and then back to mum's office, had lunch tgt

and then back to bishan
the same building hahaha
the security guard didn't recognise me, but my ic number was alr in their database lol

fogging made me slightly allergic, just as when i pack my stuff, and there's dust
but it was fun, and we were all kidding around while waiting for the people to clear out

so anw went to eat at white sands today
then went popular and stuff

shall organise my stuff
-clothes
-soft toys
-books/ studying stuff
-accessories

actually, i was really elated to get an offer for another interview so soon, but i guess i shouldn't hope too much, or expect anything, since interviews may or may not turn out as i wish
yea i know confidence helps to make a good impression
but how can someone be confident about something that she's not even sure of in the first place?

thousands of songs are coming my way, thousands of stars shining brighter than the moon
but they can't match up to your smile

going for interview tmr
but i don't feel prepared for a job yet
ohwells but i need one

shall sleep earlier tonight

so many things on my mind...

went rollerblading today(:
but walked to the park with the heavy skates

was supp to have dinner for like going our own ways today
but got pangsehed at the last min, so i went out with family to hgpt
had sushi (: and got shoes for next week

zzz i need to pack
by next week, pack all my books and the area around my study table
and limit my budget for each day to survive

resume...

went from parco bugis to the area opposite to village
walked around the street
and i'm tired

food costed me the most amongst everything
even though it wasn't that expensive as compared to eating at those other places
zzz i should curb my spending

and resume seems a little hard to do
am reading, but it's not that simple

i feel so daoed
yes, i enjoyed myself
but sometimes, i feel like i lost the spirit somewhere along the way
i just can't get optimistic over stuff like that

look where we are, we've come so far, and there's still a long, long way to go

tired
i guess resume will happen later lol

went nex with dad and sis
dad went home to work and we continued

so its quite big
and i got blisters from walking the whole area
haha but then again, my blisters from last week hadnt healed so i think it doesnt count?

going to enjoyy these few days
and to start to sleep earlier too
my body clock is getting screwed, what with my sleeping 15min to half an hr later every night

and had a nightmare this morning
it was so scary, i woke up tearing (for some reason)
zzz

yup, so i shall learn how to do resume now
but maybe not type now

when they asked who else to invite, it took me awhile to think it through
i mean, they get along well, but it's just be weird
dinner with a group we usually go with, and one person?

ohwells there're so many things i don't want to think about now

haha

almost finished with the basket, shall write my resume tmr

everyone changes, there's no guarantee we'll be the same today and tomorrow
but we CAN actually control how we want to turn out

tmr, finish everything to do with the basket and start on sth else!

every now and then, i still wish you'd someday read all that and realise how much you meant to me

i think i really need to consider what path i should be taking

driving isnt really that necessary right now i guess, even if it IS something that i'd want to learn as a useful skill

and a job would really be nice
extra money, less time wasted thinking

when i look at you i wonder why, there has to come a time when we must say goodbye

finished the basket according to the picture, but so odd
shall try again with another size of beads C=

so yea, shall continue

slept at 2 plus and woke at 9 plus
so damn tired
the eye bags are like coming back lol

so yesterday i reached her house before it rained,
but my shoes were unlucky, they were drenched outside

for once in my life, thanks for making me feel like i don't have to find a hole to hide in

anyway, yesterday as i was taking pictures with the class ppl
i realised you were there
i guess i more or less should have asked you too, but i just couldn't cos it was so awkward
especially when you just looked around and told vig you had a sore throat
you did teach me how to play dota, and a lot of stuff
but what happened after that? another regret, perhaps?

i have no idea what brought about this sudden nostalgia
but i guess, if i think back
i really really need to thank darren too for everything these past 2 years
he was like the only one trying so hard all along to help, and managing to pull my confidence out of the dumps
was a pity he didn't go

for the whole of these 2 years, i guess you guys made it worth the while

so then i stayed in the hotel last night and came home this morning
had a nice sleep after the tiring day

from now, i guess it's going to start being a hermit lifestyle
stay at home, maybe work, maybe go out when you ppl say you're free

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

yea we can't always get what we want
so acceptance is the next best option

on a brighter note, i DID manage to finish the heart pendant and the book-shaped bookmark i started long ago but didn't get enough time to finish before
and i started the mini picnic basket

i like keeping busy
it's a nice feeling

and i wish you guys all the best, and happiness for the rest of your journeys

ytd went jogging-walking with sis
she was rollerblading

so i went imm with hw just now
walked around and last min bought some stuff
yup thats all i guess

damn tired, pack and sleep.

yea way to kill my hopes the night before grad night
but maybe knowing now is better than later
thanks, but i guess it takes time?
i don't really feel like packing for prom now

right now, teardrops on my guitar seems to be a fitting song lol
for the second time this year

haha omg i'm siao
went shopping again today
but no, i didn't really spend much
more of feet hurt though

walked from 313 to ion before finally going home at 9 plus
haha i guess thats all the exercise i needed for the day

sometimes, things don't go the way we expect them to

was thinking that lau would come, but she didnt
so was thinking only me and hw
but ended up ht came too

i'm tired, but tomorrow's going to be a great day, i just know it

right here, right now...

i like how that blog post hit so close to home
then again, i remembered what i told vlau
yea, i do those things too, but you guys are right, danger zone = need to stop

sometimes, it's like you can sow and sow, but there won't be anything to reap
and no matter how hard you try, it may not bear fruit
but we don't do those things hoping for returns, we do it because we want to, right?
at least, that's the attitude i always thought we should keep with

so anw
went bishan just now
this big wave of nostalgia came when i realised her house was just opposite that market
the place eehui always talked about buying bubble tea from
the one we keep passing by on 410 when we were rushing for germ
i miss those days, so much
briskwalking across bishan park
then running for 410 or waiting damn long cos the timings were so irregular
going into class sweating like siao, and frau tan just smiling
then getting poked when i was nodding off (:

omg i'm starting to xiang3 dang1 nian2
getting old..

so then after i went to check prices i went j8
met hw and lau
talked alot but didn't really do much
lol
then i remembered after Os i went there with lau too
we were SO early that most shops weren't open

it's been so long

my 8 month plan:
learn to drive
get a job
do more crafts (and if it's enough [and presentable], sell them at those places i found)
-cross stitch
-friendship bands
-keychains
-beading
-sewing (i know, my sewing sucks)
-wire bending
-crochet?
-and probably any new thing that i get interested in
make sushi again (haven't done so since idk how long), and try to make it more than edible
tidy up my table (it's so cluttered it's scary)
take out clothes and soft toys still in good condition to donate
make rubber stamps again (the last time was in k2, lol)
re-study deutsch cos i forgot most of it
and learn teochew
and also basic stuff about excel
refresh photoshop stuff
so many more things i want to do, but i guess it all depends
it's going to be a packed 8 months

but, i just can't help thinking
what, exactly, wasn't good enough?
everything? a little demoralised

so i shall go finish the heart shaped pendant i've been working on since before prelims
haha

Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake...
somehow, i feel that the pain will get worse because exams are over.

just one more day
yesss

shall go study now and sleep earlier tonight

i close my eyes and you're right here with me
cos i know it's not so in reality

so i didnt manage to read all my notes
but i will continue to, as much as possible

damn tired
even when i supposedly got enough sleep
sian

i dont get it, why so overprotective?
i mean, i know they care, but isn't it like a little over the top?
considering how old i am, some things i feel i can handle
and i think loyalty is important

Clothes and manners do not make the man; but, when he is made, they greatly improve his appearance -Henry Ward Beecher

and so, back to physics

and i haven't really been keeping to my running routine
...

okay, so i went shopping again
haha but i seriously didn't plan it this time

had tuition at 10
was supp to meet g an hour earlier and lw half an hr earlier
but, everyone was late hahaha
and i ended up boarding same train as g, we were both at door 8
just at 2 different ends of the train
lol
and we ended up meeting in dhoby ghaut
and meeting lw at the corner near orchard plaza

we were on time

the last tuition was okay
but abit slack

so then we headed off for 313
shopped for damn long but didn't manage to buy anything
and we saw l at f21! haha so cool
then to handburger for lunch
and continued after
quite hardcore hahaha

but i got a clutch and shoes
which were actually cheaper cos discount (so budget lol)
left with necklace!

including the ticket
i've spent a little over 200 so far
but quite sure it won't reach 300
cos the necklace will either be borrowed or sth not that ex

ohh and i bought nail polish too
i know, so unlike me haha
but i guess i'm easily convinced?

anw, thanks
for helping me pick out the stuff
for just being there
even going out of your way to stay

oh and a shoe dropped on my leg just now
moral of the story, don't get high heels on your foot
whether it'd dropping shoes or getting stepped on
damn pain, it left a mark somemore
because p=F/A which makes it worse than with a flat-soled shoe
see? i AM revising physics

tmr's target
read ALL the phy summary notes i've done
maybe try to lose some weight if i'm not that tired

i realised my nails still have glitter even after i used remover on them again and again
this seems to be a slight problem hmm

just need to stop attacking my nails for 2 weeks
then it'll more or less settle in and stop being painfully short

apparently parents don't approve of me or my sis piercing my ears
but they just used reverse psychology
that's one plan that's going on hold

'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
i don't like rollercoasters
and it's midnight. good night world

so, 2 papers today only
on the bright side, i did finally get more sleep
though not exactly enough

shall find my 07 paper then go sleep soon

but today, i finally felt calm
maybe it's a happiness from not thinking too much
cos today, i didn't have any spare time

plus, as an added effect of keeping myself busy, my nails are finally starting to grow again
after years of attacking them when i was bored, when i was sad, even when i was tired

forgot to mention ytd, i need to buy clutches too
lol memory loss

i just hope it doesn't happen during phy

anw, i think dad was right
accountability is very important, especially if you teach, and he doesn't have it
like, why do we have to chase him to ensure we actually get a slot
especially when he gets paid so much
its like, we just found out that we have lesson tmr
with barely a lesson plan in place

i should stop going online till mon lol
everywhere i turn, i see happy celebrations that As are over
like, thanks alot

I walk with my head down trying to block you out cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

and again, it always comes out the same
"thank you... we regret..."
sometimes, why try when i can almost memorise it still
but what i didn't do this time was, i didn't reread it again and again to ensure it was real
it was more of accepting and resigning to fate
i guess i CAN get used to failure
but you don't understand, because i could bet you've never received one of these

didnt manage to talk about ytd in detail cos i was having this throbbing headache
still have headache now but its not as bad

so ytd we went far east damn early in the morning immediately after phy
most shops were closed then
walked till afternoon when i started to feel the headache coming on

then went hougang to buy dress(:
head was damn pain but still managed to choose
and i know it's going to be a little out of place, ohwells

then followed family to expo for food fair
and dinner was just a bowl of soup with a little rice cos i couldn't eat much
was having stomachache too

finally went to sleep at 1 plus
was really really tired but no choice cos hair wasn't dry
and blow-drying would have given me a even bigger headache

set alarm for 7.30
but was so tired i went back to sleep till 8.45
woke and jumped out of bed in shock cos i was SO LATE
packed, prepared and ran out of the house
bought bread from downstairs but couldn't eat on the mrt either so it didn't make that much of a difference

rushed to daiso to buy tablecloth (haha see some ideas DO work)
and then to buy breakfast, and i got a drink

saw unexpected ppl there haha
like, they were having a clique outing
so we went all the way to the last tram stop
but apparently they chose there too
uhh

so we played uno (haha yea serious)
and i kept losing
but i did win at some game called germs (didn't really hear clearly)

went for lunch at delifrance cos it was drizzling slightly
kept noticing the 2 guys staring at her
so i told them afterward, but she said it was just the contacts
intuition said otherwise but i've learnt not to just rely on it since it's starting to be wrong at times
so we continued and they left

went to take blue line back
and went vivo to shop
looked at dresses and jewellery

and suddenly this guy walked in and pointed to his camera and said sth in jap
i didn't catch anything except sentosa and siloso
then we finally knew what he was saying
and i laughed so hard
it was believable, but just a little random lol
but all the people outside cheered after that, zzz

[fell asleep halfway through this post. continued: 11.45am, 25nov]

so we walked on to look at dresses and shoes and accessories
which was quite interesting
then her mum came and we left for chinatown
went to look at masks then to look at shawls
then they came to chinatown too
which was funny, cos apparently my instructions were not clear enough over the phone
but i was pretty sure it was
until i found out there were so many exits called new bridge road
lol

went out to find them
then took really really long to decide
but we got a discount for masks cos we went together(:
thanks auntie!

damn cool, still left necklace and shoes only
masquerade, hardest to find is masks
but we've bought alr! yay
hmm ask me if u guys need help!

was so tired ytd
and the day before

so i learnt some things ytd
1. i suck at uno
2. my intuition can still be quite accurate
3. retail therapy does wonders, after the pain
4. i can't give directions on a phone
5. still decidophobic after all these years
and, i have lost faith in people cos of that incident, is everyone so superficial?

shall do at least 3 phy paper 1s today
yesss, last paper
then i can go be hermit hahaha, no need keep going sch
do everything i've wanted to but hadn't had a chance to

they say bad things happen for a reason
but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
sometimes, i think, it's probably for the best, but it still hurts
cos i still believe

ever just suddenly felt like stopping everything you're doing just because you thought of something?

maybe she was right, it really has been going on for too long

anyways, didn't pierce today
so it's tomorrow or after next week

and yes, it's pink
unexpected? i didn't even think i would be convinced
haha

Do you know that there’s
Still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark
In you

phy p3 drained most of me
it was probably easy for a lot of people
just not me

shopped for the whole day today
very very tired
had a headache
but still went expo with family afterward for food fair
tomorrow will be another long day

can't believe how much more weight i need to lose by next week

quite excited actually for tmr(:
phy p1, heck la
haha at least for now

remember when we were young, and there was this chinese series of books we had to read in pri sch?
there was this story about a rice bowl, and how the kid managed to convince his parents to change their views
it may not be real, but it's a probable idea, given that the technique could be done in a slightly less hurtful way
just sayin'

no road is long with good company

so yea it was quite funny just now when i msged to ask whether i should pierce my ears and i got that reply
HAHA i was like laughing like siao there in hougang mall
cos it seemed like a overreaction to my qn
but thanks for making my day(:

actually, up till now i still haven't decided

chem p1 was okay
except, was i being too confident?
why do so many people say it's hard?

You don’t have to feel
Like a wasted space
You’re original
Cannot be replaced

If you only knew
What the future holds
After a hurricane
Comes a rainbow

Maybe a reason why
All the doors are closed
So you could open one
That leads you to
The perfect road

Like a lightning bolt
Your heart will glow
And when it’s time
You’ll know

i think, sleeping early is the best remedy for overthinking
if it's actually possible to fall asleep, that is
so i'm sleeping early again tonight
behind every tough girl is someone who made her that way
yet for some reason, i overspent today
and still ate A LOT of junk food
this is what happens when there are no more 30-45min walks home
no more bishan park just across the road
zzz

holiday mood came too early
argh

no matter how many people have given up on you, there will always be someone there, ready to offer the support you need
i know, cos everyone has those times

so pack, sleep
it may be naive to think that everything will be fine when you wake up for some stuff
but it will make you feel slightly better at least

2 more papers, haha the mood is like drifting away

got to curb replying one word smses
or those that don't actually need replies
over limit again this month

and, i do believe in miracles, because they do happen
life is planned in the most unexpected way

right now, i really really wish i could help
but i can't, cos i'm not qualified to
i can listen, but you're not telling me everything
i know, sometimes i can't even trust myself, so you can't trust me either
but at least, let me know that you're truly okay when you are
so i won't have to keep overthinking

recently its like nothing has been going right i guess
but it's all going to be over soon

but i was just thinking
disappointment
it only comes with hopes
the higher the hopes, the bigger the disappointment
this just tells of how we shouldn't hope too much
it reminded me of the letter i got a few years back
sometimes, if i'm not confident, maybe i shouldn't even try
especially when you know that everyone else is so much better

that aside, i'll try to sleep earlier tonight
just so i can attempt to get enough sleep
yet the fear doesn't subside
what happens after all this? what if?

Do you ever feel
Feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel
Already buried deep
Six feet under screams
But no one seems to hear a thing

how is it possible that suddenly people can just disappear from your life
yet act like nothing happened?
maybe i'm just overreacting
but isn't it strange?
there's a part of me that says let go, but another that says, 'give it another go, it may be well worth it'. which part do i listen to?

my body clock is completely screwed
sleepy in the middle of the day, awake at night
so i didn't manage to meet my target of 4 papers
why? cos i was nodding off in the afternoon

dinner was steamboat and barbecue(:
it was quite fun haha, mum was frying rice and vegetables
which sort of shocked the people next to us

can't believe i'm agreeing to this
haha next week? seriously?
As haven't even ended yet

shall go continue chem papers

ohh and this is quite true, koped it from zach:
'how do you know what is the next best alternative foregone?'
opportunity cost is such a difficult concept hahaha

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

i think the ball is not in my court anymore
it's no longer up to me
the only thing i can do now is wait and hope for the best

haha i dont think vig is good at spotting questions
titration came out, bop and globalisation didnt for essay, nuclear didn't

anw woke up damn early this morning
even though i slept damn late last night
or at least, i went to sleep at 1, but didn't fall asleep till much later
waiting for the reply still

you know, sometimes i wish i wasn't able to sense that
it unnerves me
ignorance IS bliss

guess i've been quite insomniac these few days
can't sleep at night
waking up early in the morning then not being able to go back to sleep

so yea, just watched brother bear just now

there's no shelter from the storm inside of me

i think today for chem mcqs
last chance alr

i keep feeling like i'm disturbing you guys

thank you
for letting me be able to do the h1 econs paper with that bit of confidence
please, for once in my life let me do fine for econs
but for some reason, what i studied didn't come out
and i chose the market failure question which i didn't study for at all
maybe it was predestined
but the question asking methods stumped me, some i couldn't even understand
ohwells, it's over

why do i keep feeling like i screwed up even when it was okay?
bad intuition

Even when you see me frown, my heart won't let me down
Because I know there's better things to come, woah yeah
And when life gets tough and I feel I've had enough
I hold on to a distant star

I'm thinking about, all the things
I'd like to do in my life
I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer

all i want you to know is, it hasn't changed
at least on this side
i haven't given up cos that was really one friendship that mattered
even if i wasn't a good friend, i tried
anytime you want to talk, i'll be here
please don't just keep it all in
at least tell me whats wrong so i don't have to keep guessing

i am so exhausted
at least the hardest exam (to me) is over
another step closer to freedom
need to work harder now

next week will be a long week...

i think As are changing everyone

do you know how much it hurts when i keep trying but it seems like the situation isn't improving?
and, when you make those decisions just like that?
maybe i'm glad i wasn't shortlisted
it may have hurt a lot that day, but i can imagine how much more it would have if i had gotten in given the way things are now
i can't see any hint of loss, only that of normal continuance
is it a front or real?
was i really that useless and insignificant?
and the burning feeling isn't over

phy p2 wasn't as bad as chem, but i felt that sinking feeling while doing

i can't focus
tmr, tmr i'll ask
after which, either give up or continue
whichever one, i'll accept it
if it's not worth it, please let me see it asap
damn scared

these things, what for?
the post-its
the keychain
finally getting the courage to sign up for TAP
approving of the t-shirt design
reno
the many smses even when it was over limit
going to study in sch even when its an hour away
night study as a cca
fb, twitter, blogging everyday
sometimes, even i don't know why

on a brighter note, i'm ready to go shopping for prom dress!
except, i wish i wasn't getting cold feet about going
so many "what if"s

econs tmr
like today, i'm not prepared

Love is more than a feeling; its a state of mind. -Lisa Grude

you know there are those times when you just want to give up?
when nothing you do seems to be working?
and then you ask yourself, what happened?
how did it all come to this?

byebye blog 2
at least, for now
and twitter and fb too

ever had this burning feeling inside?
it feels a lot like gastric, except this happens when you feel upset/ disappointed

i'm not prepared for phy or econs
but somehow, i don't feel like doing it now

my third star sticker fell off my gc again
another sign?
but i found it again

Nothing hurts more than realising he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him

and yea, so i'm petty and whatever
last year was like this, so was this year
what, everyone made a pact to do that?
last year was the reason why i took it all down
and this year it's going to happen again?
but what exactly happened, i guess no one else should know

okay i'm done emoing
every moment i spend thinking is probably another moment wasted
sometimes, people just don't care

chem p2 was, data analysis qns
like phy, except phy only has 1

so i slacked today away
again, no surprise

i seem to be getting used to this
this time, i felt better than the last
disappointment just feels easier each time
almost like, there's no need to overreact, it's just the way it is

do you realise every person just reminds you of another?
vlau was right, some things aren't generalisations

i believe in horoscopes today

the only way to reach dawn is by the path of night
you should know by now, i do listen, but you just don't realise it

is it even possible to have so many different feelings in a day?
in the past 22 hours
i've felt elated, experienced anticipation
then relief
anger
joy
fear
loneliness
then i thought, heck la, just do it
disappointment
sadness
happiness
in that order

i've helped someone today
i've cried
and the very same person whom i have been waiting for the entire day
reminded me of last year
and now i finally realise, some people just don't want to know
it's not that they don't know, it's more of a don't care

i keep seeing the messenger thing move
typing, then deleting
again and again
and nothing was sent
but i can't bring myself to say anything
cos im now speechless

and i promise myself now,
decide carefully, is it worth it?

no, i should not be sad today
cheer up and continue studying for chem

just 14 more days
hang on, please

i guess this means, at least, that for the next few days i should try my best to not be in school unless necessary
because in school, what am i supposed to do?
act like nothing's wrong?
or just play the stupid cold war game again?

focus focus focus
it'll all be over soon

well, i realised just how disillusioned the last blog post made me sound
haha
it's just this feeling i've been getting so just a small rant

anw, managed to finish 06 and 07 chem p2s
shall do the rest of 08 tonight (:
and finish studying chem spa

there's this, idk how to describe, fear? anticipation? just anxiousness?

shall sleep by 11.30 tonight
yup

tomorrow, do phy spa and maybe econs
ohh and finish phy tuition hw

A life lived with integrity - even if it lacks the trappings of fame and fortune is a shining star in whose light others may follow in the years to come

isn't it better to not know some stuff? curiosity killed the cat

i still feel confused.
please give me strength to actually make the right decisions
and give me intuition to decide correctly
really, how do we know sometimes what to do?

and yea, still got 6 papers left
sian

people, stop asking me when it is
if everyone (including those you don't know well) just decides to be nice to you only on one day of each year, it's not really a celebration is it?
but i didn't mean to offend anyone in the past few days who've been asking
thanks for the concern, but it's okay, just knowing that is enough

so yea, don't bother
study hard and thanks anyway
that's probably the most important thing now
especially halfway in this make-or-break period of time

oh, and sorry for lying

yup

so, i managed to read through spa notes
but the singing made it hard to do papers
and i didnt feel like going out

had a nice dinner at eastpoint
then walked around a little

argh, so many careless for the paper ytd

and after tonight, i shan't think about math anymore

shall also sleep after i finish reading all the spa notes
yupyup

i should stop wasting my life away
before i turn 18, i must have at least done two chem p2s

haha i think i lack sleep
but i just can't go back to sleep once i wake up in the morning
Loving someone that doesn't love you is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you just got to keep trying

slacked my whole afternoon away
slept then watched tv

math p2 was okay
but since everyone thinks it's easy, idk
they haven't uploaded the answers

chem spa tmr
must finish studying chem spa tmr
then finish at least 2 chem p2 on sun

then mon, study phy and econs
i hope

haha but abit sian to go sch to study on mon
then again, it's not like i have anything better to do that day too

tonight, i shall just sleep earlier or skim through chem notes
not really in the mood to study intensively now

and our papers end quite late comparatively
hmm

you talk about pain, but what exactly is pain?
i guess it's a different thing to different people

don't worry about the darkness, for that's when stars shine the brightest

what's with all the random dreams that i forget most of in the day, but seem to feel so familiar with when i wake up?
for years it was like an outlet
things i've been thinking of in the day, things i wished would happen but probably never would, things i fear
but still, some dreams seem so real they make me smile(:

why so many november babies? haha
keep seeing them on fb and stuff
actually, i don't want an expensive dinner, i don't want overpriced gifts, i just want a sincere greeting

how do you know where to draw the line?
i guess, more or less, i still want to ensure that you're doing okay
especially when you keep going toilet during the exams
just to know you're fine, no matter how much you make me feel peeved

okay math p1 wasn't that bad
but alot of careless!!
when the bell curve works, it can either work upwards or down
and there's no guessing which way

ohwells i guess i'll just have to wait and see

so many papers left
next week is the hardest i think

i lost the 3rd star sticker i pasted on my gc ytd-.-
then found it today on my math tys
yet, i've never lost the drink sticker which happens to always look like it'll come off any day
lol

work hard

so now we begin, working together to win
believing in trust, it must, be possible to overcome anything

but i guess sometimes, people just don't care about whether you're trying to reach them
maybe i overestimated myself too much
i'm trying not to anymore, but i guess, sometimes my annoying presumptuous self would just force its way out
sorry
i don't think i should try that already, it's time to learn to let go

gp was okay
not too easy, not too hard
at least a D i guess

anw, 5 days! hahaha
omg i'm going siao

headache
stupid la, the 06 paper was so hard
40%
i'm going to sleep by 11 tonight(:

all the best vlau
but if i were you, maybe i'd have chosen another option
i guess it's just our different priorities in life
plus, i don't have a famous idol who offers to help me let it go

what made me think this year would be that much different anyway

but for you guys, work hard
and realise your dreams

命运就算颠沛流离， 命运就算曲折离奇
命运就算恐吓着你， 做人没趣味
别流泪，心酸， 更不应舍弃
我愿能一生永远陪伴你

结伴行, 千山也定能踏过

basically what we should be doing now is pushing each other up,
we're so close, so close to the end

maths tmr
the higher the hopes, the harder to relax

shall read, then sleep

i shouldn't be assuming stuff
haha
but thanks
i always get so emotional at the wrong times

chem p3 was like wts
40m of stuff i didnt know how to deal with

and what's the best?
apparently the parking attendant story was more fascinating than what i was trying to say
see, why do i even bother?

after today, i'm scared
then again, maybe everyone else did okay, and chem wasn't that hard
it was just me

what do you see when life makes you take on a mountain,
you see that NOTHING'S GONNA GET IN YOUR WAY

just my luck to have that day during As
again, for years i haven't properly been able to enjoy
thanks a lot education
at least parents say they'll pay for driving lessons up till my first test as a present, which is (not much of, but) a consolation (nevertheless)

i hate my total lack of courage ytd
i wish i'd have just said it out instead

16 hours left
and i still have nitrogen compounds and carboxylic acids left to read
and my transition metals is still shaky

but for now, a short break

what happens when the people you've looked up to your whole life tell you they don't have expectations of you?
how do you know whether it's enough?
you work so hard because you don't know how much is enough for them, so you push and push
and now, just as a levels are about to start, you don't know how to face it
what if, your expectations don't match up to theirs?
it sounds so easy; "it doesn't matter"
all your life they've never told you what they wanted
yes, you can develop the way you want to, but what now?
wouldn't they be even more disappointed to find out that you actually don't want to aim too high? that you're doing all this because you don't know how high they want you to target for?
wouldn't you rather they had some sort of expectations, so that you wouldn't feel like they don't care sometimes?
what's the point of doing well if in the end their reaction is only that of a simple grunt/ nod? especially if that's what you get for failing too.
and now, what are you supposed to do this for?

plus, isn't it odd when your friends of years ago, used to be so close
seem so far away now?
yesterday's conversation got me thinking
what happened?

i feel like an idiot today
haiz

my aim by the end of this month, lose weight
till below 40kg

so yea, back to reading and memorising

oh, and marking 07 and 08 p3 answers for chem

HERE WE GO

Dream the impossible dream, Fight the unbeatable foe, Strive with your last once of courage To reach the unreachable star
i pray for u guys too

to all of you out there taking history and geog
good luck, all the best for tomorrow!

no matter how tired you are, remember it's all going to be worth it(:
jiayou
don't give up

today, i'm going to finish at least reading all of physical chem notes
if possible, start on organic

不管多么久始终等你，
不管多么苦不会洒泪
冷冷的风， 冷冷的秋

its a nice song

so yea, work hard people!
i just wished it encouraged me too
1 day plus left..

target: finish reading study guide for chem by mon
possible? i hope so
plus make notes for stuff i havent been able to grasp all this while
i'm just not getting the drive i need now

finished the last 3 qns of the chem 08 p3
but, left alot blank

demoralised now

unsure:
equilibria (buffers and pH)
bonding shapes
reaction kinetics graphs and catalysts
and i somehow forgot the names of isomerisms
cant remember all the conditions and reagents
equations for organic
THE WHOLE OF NITROGEN COMPOUNDS (argh)
ELECTROCHEMISTRY
transition metals (catalysis, colours, d-d* transition)
and i cant remember almost all of inorganic
cant draw free body diagrams for mechanics
dont understand thermal
work energy power unsure
and i thought waves was my best topic, till i did the tuition ws /:
electricity, all the unconventional cannot do
and cant remember modern phy
recurrence still unsure
transformations, always been weak
calculus applications
and stats, some still need practice
elasticities
international trade globalisation
and cant remember almost ALL of macro

2 days

and the optimistic side?
i haven't disturbed anyone for half a week
u guys can finally study more without my constant bothering

and for everyone who has been trying so hard all this time
go for it, it's yours to own

some problems, i guess, have to wait
but for some reason, i just can't study properly

Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal -Pamela Vaull Starr
do i still actually believe that dreams come true?

finished chem p1 of 2005 and 2qns of p3 of 2008
and im tired of studying
cant focus
somebody please give me a slap

today i heard a story on the radio
this guy was beaten up by his friend, who later saved him
he wrote "i was humilated today by my friend" in the sand
then carved "i was saved by my friend" in a rock
basically, it's just a story of how we should forgive our friends who do us wrong, and let the wind do its job of erasing it from our memories
and how we should remember all the good things our friends do for us, and keep it at the deepest part of our hearts, where the wind will never be able to reach

then again, i wish life was as easy as that
if there are some things you just can't forgive others for, does that mean they're not your friends, or that they have such an important place in your heart that you just can't forgive them for doing it?
some things, i can't seem to forget
and as the years go by, i just realise that forgiveness isn't as easy as it seems

haha btw,
u know, i still do read blog posts the way i used to, but i just didn't understand everything there
blame my lack of willpower and ability to continue in jc
but i will study it again after As, on my own this time
the half that i understood, tells me that you should go for it
jiayou

3 days

and to all those people out there who've worked so hard and been so consistent
good luck, and all the best

and this smile hides all the pain
well, almost
he who believes in the freedom of will has never loved nor hated ~Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
In der Liebe und im Krieg ist alles erlaubt. Deshalb werde ich verdrängt. )':

so, only managed to do phy today
argh didnt even have tuition cos we couldnt finish the ws

can't sleep early tonight, will finish the phy mcqs first at least

anw, there seems to be sth wrong with my twitter account, hmm
did i accidentally click sth wrong..

this week just flew by
with only 4 days left, i should be scared, i should
but theres this uneasy calm
not because i'm anywhere near prepared, but cos i'm almost resigned to whatever is coming

like shadows in the faded light

technically, if my hair was dry, it'd be goodnight world in 15 min
but it isn't, ohwells

of all the times to kena...

come to think of it, no phy tonight
not feeling up to it

no man is an island
everyone needs others to help

i am sleepy
on the up side, i managed to do 07 math p2 in 2.5 hrs
on the down side, i still have alot to finish for this week
which happens to be ending soon

There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding".
A little knowledge behind every "I don't know"
A little emotion behind every "I don't care"
And a little pain behind every "I'm okay

shall pack, do abit of phy
then sleep
by 11.15 tonight

Problems are only opportunities with thorns on them. - Hugh Miller

i dont feel any motivation now

plus, willpower fail

anw, just now when we were on our way home, there was this quick mix of feelings
i feel like a hypocrite now

that question remained with me for the entire day
and suddenly this video i once watched came to mind
it was about a conversation on messenger
they typed, then deleted, then typed, then deleted again
such that the message was so different from the original
-refer to 21sep- (though its prob better to watch on youtube)

i guess that would be one regret that is such a pity

so anyway was very unproductive
only went for econs
and did rj p2
and a few qns for mechanics

this week i have a lot of stuff to do

chem consultation tmr, find qns
the whole thick stack of waves qns
nyjc and ajc gp compres
math 2007 paper, and check ans
the newest econs case study

and then there are those i need to do, but are not wanted by others

wth happened why is my connection so screwed up

anw i didnt end up sleeping till 12 plus ytd
haha fail

hello people, i would suggest u guys not talk to me unless u really want/ need to,
this is a warning, i go mad for no reason nowadays

shall sleep by 11 today
headache

i am so mentally exhausted from all the games

who do you turn to when the only person who can stop you from crying is the one who is making you cry?

ever felt so inferior that being invisible felt like a better option?

i was just thinking
maybe i should stop studying in school
just cos i start getting distracted there too

must credit mr tym for this, though i translated it from his chinese:
if the sun doesn't rise tomorrow, what regrets will i have?
what regrets will you have?
will you delude yourself into thinking that you'll have no regrets? just to make yourself feel better?

i guess my answer will be, that i will tell what i've been hiding for so long
i will thank everyone who has actually cared
and i will say sorry to every person i've made mistakes to knowingly before
because i have done wrong stuff/ lied a lot

and the feeling sucks when u know its wrong but u just cant bring yourself to admit it cos of a stupid thing called pride
even if other people don't realise it.

anyway, thanks for helping, really
some things, very hard to understand

have you ever felt so helpless and useless when you can't do anything to salvage situations
nor the feeling that you're so confused you can't figure out what to do next
maybe sometimes, even this sense of loss? like, gone...

shall sleep by 11
so that i can take econs without nodding off like the last 2 tests
its not that i WANT to sleep, it just happens without warning

it's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but even harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do

sometimes all you want is someone to support the decisions made
but you're right, i shouldn't be troubling anyone else with these problems
not now

so for the next few days (weeks if i can actually stand it)
i'm not going to distract people by talking to them first
in case i end up disturbing anyone.
regardless of how free i may be most of the time
-don't drag others into it even if i'm already unmotivated- that's the least i could do i guess

7 days

didnt manage to do much today
tuition was postponed again

shall finish short qns and summary then go sleep

i guess there should have been a lot of things i'm worried about now
the most worrying, being, that i'm not

anw watched bolt just now (finally)
it was nice, but it made me think too
which isnt supposed to happen since it was supposed to help us relax

Brace myself for the goodbye
Cause that's all I've ever known

FOCUS, NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP U NOW
u must, must try harder
only 8 days left
stop making ur own life miserable, please
and stop overestimating what u think u can do
u screwed Os already, wasn't it warning enough?

then again, i should stop talking to myself
lol im going siao
though i should be trying on my own, i wish u were here
maybe going into zi4 bi4 mode wasnt the best idea, since i obviously cant do it
but why drag others down now, just a week left

so 9+ days

i really want u to know, that u and your sis helped when no one else wanted to
i think i couldn't have handled all that alone
thanks for even believing and being on my side
even when all along i've never thought it possible

thanks to u too, u have no idea how much that meant to me also
u've obviously going to be top 3 in our class

finish gp short qns tonight
tmr, do phy
though i seriously wonder how much i can finish tmr
mechanics ws, rj p2 and p3, hc p2 and p3, gp tj paper
all due mon

i dont think 'cold turkey' is helping
there are some problems, that ultimately, no one else can help me with

all these years i've remembered what u told me before, that my determination can get me places
i know at that time u didn't really mean it, but only wanted to push the other teammates on
but i remember
and i try so hard to keep to that
but maybe in some cases, its better to not hold on as tightly?

then i realised i was in too deep
when i'd rather i was the one being called hopeless in this situation
cos i felt i deserved it more - than u did
and i think its more of my fault.
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide, 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye, when it comes to this

thank you
thank you for reminding me to not skip meals
for slowing down just to make me feel better
for everything you did
and thank you for believing, especially when i don't, not anymore

ran 1 round around the school today
then got tired
i know, my fitness is nonexistent

i don't think the counselling sessions are working

received this in the afternoon, and it did strike a chord:
像一颗星 以为战胜黑暗
像一阵风 以为站在云端
就像支许愿后忘了吹熄的蜡烛
以为梦还没有做完
也许阳光 没有想过要慷慨
也许雨水 只为自己灌溉
就像你我之间 那么精彩的遗憾
也许全都属于误会

maybe it's true, that it WAS all just a beautiful misunderstanding
which makes it my fault, right?
sorry

meanwhile,
i managed to finish 1 chem paper 3 in 2 hrs 10 min

also did aq and the very hard case study
which i submitted
and 1 chem paper 1 in 50 min

and i helped yx with a qn

but still, i feel so unprepared

no one will remember/ know
then again, its probably for the best
purposely didn't even tell them when they asked


my heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with

because of you, i've never strayed too far from the sidewalk
because of you, i learnt to stay on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you, i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you, i am afraid

anyone's up for running on mon?

tuition was postponed

got back econs, the paper we did on tue
but i guess being happy that i did okay this time wasnt good
especially since i obviously wasn't ready, and she was lenient

and the new case study she gave was very hard

i feel like an idiot now
really, really need to work hard and focus
stop getting distracted):

went to run today, but was an epic failure cos i only ran 2 rounds
and was still damn tired
plus, i dont think i lost any weight

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up

11 days

i know it's not the right time. but it's not something i can control
i'm sorry

it's not like there's much of a choice

and i'm sorry for overreacting
how is it even my business where u're sitting, or with whom

i feel like a retard

it's like u know me so well, everytime i'm emo-ing,
u'd just stay online even when u usually sleep early
even when i'm not appearing online
cos u know what i'll do
but not today, not now

i just wish i knew the answer, then it'll all be solved

or maybe, it's just my problem
i was overly sensitive to stuff that wasn't directed at me

12 days
how am i supposed to focus like that

clear signals please

had chem consultation
waited for 20 min before the kiasu guy finally finished

maybe it's finally time to start eating properly, i feel fat

so anyway
managed to do abit only
at least phy tuition is rescheduled, which means i can focus on phy spa for consultation

maybe i'm not thinking straight...

tonight, i shall sleep early

Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does.
es tut mir leid. ich kann's nicht
should i smile because you're my friend or cry because that's all we'll ever be?

damn cold today.

thanks vlau
timely reminders(:

life needs change
maybe now is the time

when all else fails, try, try again. then give up. no point wasting time on it

today was unproductive
had a headache early in the morning
then had this feeling that i couldn't breathe
which lasted till after lunch

only did abit of rj p2 and p3 phy
and abt of hc p2 chem
thats all

at this rate, a levels seem too undoable
how

i swore i knew the melody that i heard you singing
and when you smiled you made me feel like i could sing along

now i know there are no fairytales,
and dreams were meant for sleeping
and wishes on a star, just don't come true
'cause i liked the view, thought you felt it too...
i hate where this is going, and its the wrong time to happen again.
please, just stop it

guess what, this was the second morning in a row that i woke to a dream about this
of course, its obviously my problem
what did i promise myself ytd

so...
managed to do hc p2 phy
what i could of it, anyway
vj p1 chem
and finally managed to finish bop
after days of wanting to

tmr, rj p2 and p3 phy
spa planning for tj and aj
at least those
(why is it all phy? cos thurs is another physics dominated day)
oops maybe i shouldn't have booked consultation for that day

good night world((:

don't let her fall unless you're willing to catch her
would you catch me if i fall?
Whatever you do, do it with all your heart ~

thank you for listening to my crappy rants the whole day
even though u had actually asked for help first haha
i wish you all the best

i should have done that long ago.

so yea i have summary and aq to finish
oops
i wasted today away, almost completely
only managed to do abit of bop and hc chem p1

i should have been feeling a lot better
but i dont

It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces

15 days

work harder?
and the dream was, unreal
i mean, it was real till i woke up, and everything got so illusion-like
impossible? i guess

i'm sorry i assumed too much
have a good life

sometimes i wish i could read minds

know the stickers i put on my gc?
the star came off but the drink and heart remained
perhaps, a sign?

i cant do it, i'm sorry

maybe all along it was my problem, but i didn't realise it cos i was so self-centred and self-assuming, sorry.

left with BOP and interconnectedness and exchange rate

and gp

so yea shall finish everything except interconnectedness and aq tonight
then tmr do hwa chong chem p1 for mon and aq and interconnectedness

To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity. -Soren Kierkegaard

or maybe, friendship is a better option in some cases?

woke at 9 but still feel tired
hmm and the weather sucks theres this heavy haze now

finish reading all the rest of econs today and attempt to rmb as much as possible
do gp compre
and maybe if i still have time, read the gp thick stack of handouts

sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes,
and sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away

i
lack
sleep

shall sleep early tonight
since i heard even vig sleeps early
chances are, it probably is true

managed to finish nj p3 for chem
finally
and one gp essay

which is an ultimate failure
considering i was supposed to have done a lot more

shall finish reading unemployment at least tonight

i know, i'm a lousy counsellor
at least, that's what anyone would think
after 2 hours of talking but no results

so yea, dont give up
i cant promise it'll all be fine, but i think you can do it

and I AM NOT SIAO
arghh

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel

It's easy to fall in love, what's hard is finding someone to catch you

i know mine isn't cheem enough, but that's the best i can do, considering that i was nodding off halfway through, and i was over word limit.
tired

cutting words down is VERY hard

Ever since I was young, I had always dreamed of making a difference in someone's life, and I feel that teaching is the best way to mould the leaders of tomorrow. Just as countless teachers have, in one way or another, helped to shape my character, I wish to guide children in their learning processes. However, I am uncertain as to whether I am really suitable to be a teacher, as I lack opportunities to discover if teaching is my true calling. I feel that this teaching programme is the chance for me to ascertain whether teaching is the path that I should pursue. Moreover, after years of being a student, I would like to attempt to understand how teachers feel by literally putting myself in their shoes. Although it may be argued that this short period of time would not allow me to fully empathise with them, I believe it will allow me to contribute what I can to society, instead of constantly being on the receiving end of our education system. As Loren Eisely said in his popular story "The Star Thrower": "it makes a difference to that one!". I strongly believe that even though we may not be able to impact everyone's lives, each person we influence is of consequence to them.

A good teacher should not only aim to teach what the syllabus requires, but to influence the students to strive to be the best they can be. Rather than just teaching inside the classroom, they should be role models for the students by setting good examples of behaviour. As PM Lee said in 2004, we should "teach less" so students can "learn more" through engaged learning. Preferably, a teacher should attempt to make learning fun by providing hands-on activities, and not stick to conventional lectures.

decisions, decisions
the teaching job
and so many other things

there's something i feel like i should say
but i can't, because timing is everything
and i don't know how the reaction will be like
the worst timings cause the greatest disasters

what happens when u know something and can't decide whether to tell?
need to talk to someone before i explode.

had phy tuition today
learnt quite a bit

so anyway went to sch, tuition, then sch to study
but ended up sleeping cos i was so tired, wasted half an hr that i could have spent studying instead

a difficult time can more readily be endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose - a cause to pursue, a person to love, and a goal to achieve

problem with boys: they make you believe they love you even if they don't. problem with girls: they make you believe they don't love you even if they do

i agree, i probably AM going crazy

so anyway, only managed to do abit today
i CANT study when the table is too full

thanks for attempting to convince me otherwise,
but dont bother, fat means fat
i just need to lose some weight

and then theres the whole tuition thing tmr
wish me luck
my first, and maybe last(?)

attempt to finish nj chem p2 by tonight
and more of the emi ws

or maybe just sleep earlier tonight
had a sudden blank-out feeling while i was drinking hot water just now

Ooh there's no time to be holding it all
And trying to pretend
That I don't feel anything

should we believe in love?

the deadline is tmr
what do i do? /:

i need to organise my chem stuff for consultation
so messy

its compulsory, but i feel like i'll be wasting her time
so little stuff to do

okay another day of mugging awaits!

When you look back on times we had, I hope you smile
And know that through the good and through the bad
I was on your side when nobody could hold us down
We claimed the brightest star
And we, we came so far and no they won't forget

sometimes, just sometimes
i wonder if you know, if u realise
everything that's happening
i wonder if it ever crossed your mind
maybe, something else?

i think its the side effect of mugging
the slightest things can make my day, and the other slightest things can ruin it

or maybe i'm crazy

shall attempt to finish the nj paper, at least the stuff they want to go through tmr
yup

i guess im finally breaking out of my no-consultation, no-tuition policy
for A levels, i'm trying almost everything
and yet, it feels like success is just too much out of reach

and i guess i should just stay away from people when i'm in those moods, i shouldn't affect others too
not when there's only 21 days left

and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile
cos - you're amazing, just the way you are

i havent done anything work related on fri and sat
today only managed to do half of maths 08 p2
shit i need to work alot harder

and i realised i dont have the compre paper

i'm sorry, but i just cant do it
22 days, and i still cant focus

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time

as i went on with today
i guess the impact of graduation finally hit me full force

normally, i wouldnt ever admit it
but i guess i was too shaken just now

some things just take time i guess

23 days

please help me to focus
all else can wait

its times like these when i need to thank kim
thank you for my 13th birthday present
everytime i need help, i open a star
i hope u're doing well now too

okay tmr must finish gp compre and math 08 paper 2
go sleep! haha

had graduation day today
it was very sad
i think when miss yang and miss tan talked
almost everyone wanted to cry

and when we went back, it was like no one wanted to leave
everyone just lingered in the classroom

i guess, it was as though we could make it last longer
but then again, 天下无不散之宴席
everyone just had to leave in the end

and suddenly i remember the song we used to sing during campfires
it's just goodnight and not goodbye

and there're so many people i wish to talk to
so many things undone

and so, in no particular order:

thank you vanessas (lau and hew) for checking on me all the time to ensure that i'm okay.
thank you for believing in me, even when i was sometimes the worst listener and in my crappy moods. i WILL see u guys soon

thank you darren, for always being there, for just enduring my constant complaints and rants.
even though sometimes i cant stand ur mugging spirit and lameness, u've been one of the best listeners i know

thank you nicole, for being the one always making me happy. haha though not in conventional ways.
and for studying with me. even if u sometimes hit me too hard (it's really painful)

thank you livia for the optimism
and for supporting us whenever we do something crazy

thank you grace and youting for standing on my side, for believing my side of the story.
most of the time, anyway.

thank you t21
for the outings, for being special (in odd ways)
u've given me some of the most unforgettable memories these past 2 years

thank you george for insisting that i needed help, for all the times u helped even when i said u didn't need to.
even if sometimes, u get too lame (lol)

thank you zhiyoong for everything, for doing more than u actually needed to, for listening to my crappy stories till it's past ur bedtime.
i know u weren't obliged to help whenever i disturbed u, but thanks for it all.

thank you anita for cheering me up even when i didn't tell u anything was wrong.
for encouraging me after every night study session to make sure i didn't give up.

thank you auntie and nexus for the support i needed.
whenever i was tired/ unhappy/ unsure, auntie's advice would always help.

thank you, all you people out there who have kept me going all this time.
when i was on the verge of breaking down, when i felt like i couldn't go on anymore.
thank you
for all the things given out unconditionally, that i couldn't possibly be able to return
i wouldn't have made it for the past 2 years without u guys
stay strong and work hard, we'll make it through!

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel

i'm trying

I AM SO TIRED
not only physically, but also mentally
theres this part of me that says, why study so hard now
argh

tomorrow is graduation day
and no, i don't feel ready

pack up, check and sleep

http://everythingwillbealright.tumblr.com/post/1313282377/16-things-you-didnt-know-about-sleep-fawesome?ref=nf

please, please stop making me lose focus
i can't help but get distracted

what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're okay?

i feel so sleepy
hang in there, only 2 more months

idk, why do i feel so unsure about this?

please just help me figure this out

i am very very sleepy
fell asleep during chem lec and again during night study
and both times, they saw
argh now i'll be hearing about it for another few days

so anyway
shall pack and go sleep

i thought it was gone
but as i waited for the sms
idk

what am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

haha anw today was quite a high day
maybe cos we all lack sleep? or cos its nearing the end of official school

and again, i seem to have focusing problems

i am tired
maybe its cos its mon, but i felt no motivation whatsoever just now during night study
with 28 days, its a dangerous thing

anw shall attempt to sleep before 12.15
its not early, but its a start

tmr, econs case study,
1 chem paper
1 physics or math

'cause when your heart breaks, no, it don't break even

i'm trying, i just need time

today i was doing math paper
then suddenly, the motivation was gone

i MUST finish more now
vectors and complex qns
maybe read the notes again

then again, sometimes i wonder why i even bother about it
whats the point in all this? to get into uni to get a cert?
idk

looks like night study'll be my best buddy for a few nights

i don't deserve you... i never did

i am tired
haha just one more week of night study

went for porridge buffet today
it was quite nice, but got full quite quickly

and theres 30 days left only

surprisingly, theres no fear now
its more of like a resigned-to-fate kind of feeling

lets hope it'll all turn out well

i'm tired
seriously, 32 days???

okay so its probably true that you cant put your heart into one thing unless you are completely over the one before
but it doesnt seem to work

finish reading spa planning 2 then sleep

and no, i didnt do 2 papers today, was trying to
but spa planning..

phy mock was easy (?)
at least, i broke out in rashes halfway and stuff
but still managed to finish p1
could have done alot better too

stop cheating yourself
if you can do better than that, do it
one month left only
there isnt much time left to procrastinate

tonight will finish chem ajc paper 2
except spa planning

tmr, at least 1 math and 1 chem/ phy paper thats not paper 1

jiayou

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind

stop suaning me la please

ohwells back on the rollercoaster and trying to get off

mock starts tmr for us
and no, im not prepared
argh

im interested in the teaching thing
but there are so many considerations

i will sleep by 12.30

no thats not me, stop overthinking
please, please just let me know who that person is
so that i can finally feel at ease

jiayou for mock

was supp to be happy today
but got psed by 4 different groups of people
thanks alot la thanks

so sis got a new hamster ytd
damn cute

finish phy p1 then sleep
so tired

didnt get a good night's sleep
kept waking up in the middle of the night
oddly enough, managed to sleep through the storm but woke up at other times

finish gp essay
study/ read econs synopsis

night study tmr
if econs mock isnt tmr
will do 1 chem paper and 1 phy paper at least
if not, then just one paper and maybe mcqs

and that, was the stupidest thing to do, ever
in the attempt to focus

i would have said sorry, i would
its just, i don't know how to explain this
maybe someday u'll understand

im tired again
dont know why i keep feeling so drained

and yes, i need to stop texting or whatever
at least, not just randomly

argh one month plus left only

in the next few days, i need to start pushing up my drive
and focus

seems like everyone isnt in the best of moods recently hmm
i just wish they feel better now

studied for like 15 min during break
then again after sch

at first was with yx
then when she went consultation i went up to the round tables near the pac

waited for quite long before remedial was over and nc and jl joined
haha but today wasnt really that productive
maybe cos i didnt do much of my own stuff
but i did learn a little from their qns

stalker or?
maybe not, since we did agree to study there at first
the game was in our view though, and it proved more or less that we are unable to let go of some stuff
maybe we'll do alot better next time
we just have to try harder

target: finish chem acjc paper 3 by tonight
damn hard

and its not good enough for me, i think i could do better

went for sis's sch opening ceremony
it was fun. sort of

im tired
but i havent done anything productive today so...

maybe its all my fault, i shouldnt have asked you to leave

jiayou

to that girl who totally made my day with one sentence to my sister
thank you

and life goes on

thank you for making me feel better, but dont you realise all along that the reason i was upset in the first place was cos of u?
and now when u ask, how am i supposed to say that
all i can say is haha, its hard to say

argh friday means another week less to As

im tired
tired of this

40 days

tonight, i MUST do sth productive

stop making me feel confused! argh

idk anymore

it was so awkward today
twice

41 days
and no, im not sure

and i think i should just let go
some things were never meant to be

i guess somehow i just expected more

imagine a friendship like that falling apart in a mere 2 weeks

i HAVE to stop emo-ing and focus!
like, now

okay shall finish atomic structure and bonding mcq by tonight
at least

no one realises that i'm not really as happy as they think i am
is it cos they dont care, or that i act well?

maybe solidarity is better
considering that it's hard both ways
at least they cant hurt you as badly

im tired

managed to do dynamics, forces and circular motion mcq today
must work harder!

must do econs before i sleep

uhh i dont think im doing well enough
not if i really want to choose any course i want

after this week
i wont take the initiative to ask abt night study
i hope

phy B
chem D
math not counted, but if it was, B
gp B
econs S
all borderline

stomach pain again
argh

tmr's target, finish 4 chapters chem mcq
or sth else that can replace it

shall go do econs now

i cant believe i was so siao ytd
actually cried during the show haha
maybe it was just a form of release

so i managed to do chem mcqs ytd and stuff

i need to finish ALL mcqs in the cs toh books by this week.
MUST

anw retail therapy! haha
went to buy clothes today

of course it wastes time, but i guess its a form of relaxing

43 days, its like 6 weeks only
one week for mcq, two for topics, and the last three for papers i think

so yea then i'll move on to normal qns and papers

prob getting back gp and maths tmr
ohno

for tonight, finish gp ac prelim paper, and kinematics mcqs
check, and highlight problems

jiayou!

please stop doing this
or nothing, for that matter

was it something i did? was it something you said?
don't leave me hanging in a city so dead
held up so high, on such a breakable thread

so physics and chem
both thanks to my mcqs haha
and paper 3
paper 2 was ...

argh im still waiting for gp and math p2
failed econs again, our class highest was an E

i really wish i could talk to you now
you make me feel so much better about all this
but then again, there are some things i can't tell you directly

again, dont get distracted! so close to As now

are you even sure you can be prepared in time?