It's 1.5 days before the final paper of this sem.
And I can't really concentrate anymore.

Is it normal to want to be so independent, to tell others you like to rely on yourself.
Then deep down, really really want to find someone who just tells you it's ok to ask for help. That it's ok to sometimes not be able to do something yourself. And be so touched when it happens that for a moment you forget you want to be independent anymore.

It's one of those days.

Sort of got reminded of those few short times you helped out just now. I guess it's partly because it's rare to see chivalry in today's society? Especially when we're just slightly more than acquaintances.

Anyway, collected the bags just a day before packing. Went out in the evening, and travelled for more than an hour to reach. Only when we reached did I realise I forgot to withdraw to pay. AHHHH. I told you to sit and rest while I went to draw, cos it was really my fault. I forgot. But you walked all 45min with me to find the nearest ATM, then back. Then reassured me time and again it was ok. Then kept asking if I needed to use the GPS on your phone instead cos my phone battery was dying. I felt safe, even when we walked through that dark road, even when we went into the industrial building way after most people left work. Afterwards, you decided it was ok to carry the box alone, even though I told you we should split the load. You told me to buy dinner first while you watched the stuff, and I was surprised how you didn't just put it aside and buy it at the same time. Then all the way back you were still patient and reassuring. At pioneer, we met friends. And when they stirred, you just acted like they didn't say anything. And really, I was floored. I would never have been brave enough to go there alone, or to endure all the walking without blaming myself. Impressed was an understatement.

Again when you insisted on pushing the foolscap trolley, when we collected the red bull. And when you offered a ride home, then to hall when you realised I still had papers. I seriously have never seen such chivalry extended to someone you merely just started working with. I don't deny that I really admire that attitude. But part of me wants to keep that wall. Just because.

Just because every time I open my hall door, I remember the cushion, the cookies, the wallet. I remember what happened the last time I let this happen. I remember the daily messages, the gossip, the jokes, the many many hints. I remember the lack of courage, the awkward conversations. And I recall why this is now facing me every time I open my door. Why we have to see each other almost every day.

Then I tell myself to stop being impressed and focus on my tasks at hand. Focus on collecting all my items, focus on my studies, focus on my friends and family. Just because. There is a risk that is too high to attempt at this moment. And I wish for the strength to carry it through. To not hope for too much, cos that's where disappointment comes from, hope.

Along the way, the jug of sweets. They don't mean anything, because I'm too stubborn to settle.

Also, found out about something that surprised me quite a little, and made me rethink my family's dynamics. Shall settle it after exams.